Laugh-loving Reader Gifts

'If you must laugh, will you do it in the humour section please?'

"Oh, I like coming to the dentists. It's the only place where people actually ask me to spit!"

"... And finally, I’d like to thank the FDA for approving Botox."

Snowprov

'How's everyone doing tonight - that is the question.'

Sock Puppet in Literature

Clown's Comedy Fart.

"Take two pies to the face and call me in the morning."

"I don't know whether to be mad that you had water this whole time or impressed with your commitment to the joke."

Acme-5000 Lie Detector

King and Jester

'Anyone else want to get up and leave before the game is over?'

'Your Chef's Surprise, sir -- a sauteed whoopee cushion.'

Please stand by. As stocks soar, our announcer is having a fit of the giggles.

'She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me...'

"I had a consultation with a plastic surgeon. Now I have to decide whether I want to look old or look weird."

'I see we've got some techies in tonight.'

"You were ho-ho-hoing in your sleep again!"

'What shall we watch - best security videos of 2013 or operating room bloopers, blunders and bleeps?'

'Right, now learn this trick...'

"Hmm, well, I wouldn't worry too much. This condition is very common in your profession."

"I'm sorry I really can't take you seriously."

"Well, I deal with death and carrion every day: Laughing is a therapeutic way of avoiding depression..."

'Doors opening.' - 'Doors closing.' - 'Doors bored now.'

"Ok, ok, how's everyone feeling tonight besides a thousand dollars poorer?"

"Target in range. Ready... hug."

"...dry your eyes, m'boy, and always remember: Laugh, and the world laughs with you. Weep, and the world laughs AT you."

'A friendly reminder, Mr. Parker: There's only room for one long, raucous, 'what-a-stupid-question' laugh in this company, and it's not yours.'

Stonehenge Imitation

Stand-up comedy while you're away at work. 'What's the deal with fetching? ...And they expect you to run and go get it, so why did they throw it in the first place?' 'Ha! Ha! It's funny because it's true!'

Amy Schumer

Making sure the pitcher is up for the job.

"No, dummy...that's not how we use a napkin!"

'Well, so far the only ones to answer our fondue party invitation are the rats in our basement.'

'Scientists have confirmed that smiling is contagious.'