Literary Laugh-lover Gifts

"Alice said the bottle had 'Drink Me' on the label but the only word I can see is Gin!"

'So you want an advance on your writer's block?'

"... And finally, I’d like to thank the FDA for approving Botox."

Snowprov

'How's everyone doing tonight - that is the question.'

Clown's Comedy Fart.

Acme-5000 Lie Detector

"Oooh, I know what I want to be when I grow up: Retired!"

Please stand by. As stocks soar, our announcer is having a fit of the giggles.

'Your Chef's Surprise, sir -- a sauteed whoopee cushion.'

'She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me...'

"I had a consultation with a plastic surgeon. Now I have to decide whether I want to look old or look weird."

'The end. Well, time for bed. What are you writing?'

'Smile and say: tofu-based dairy substitute.'

"You were ho-ho-hoing in your sleep again!"

'What shall we watch - best security videos of 2013 or operating room bloopers, blunders and bleeps?'

'Right, now learn this trick...'

"It was the best of times, it was the worst of times..."

"Target in range. Ready... hug."

'Doors opening.' - 'Doors closing.' - 'Doors bored now.'

"Well, I deal with death and carrion every day: Laughing is a therapeutic way of avoiding depression..."

The Farmer Sutra.

"Care for an oxymoron?"

"I'm sorry I really can't take you seriously."

'You will write a book, but it won't be on Oprah's recommended list.'

'I've written you a song' - 'Oh, that's very kind of you. What's it called?' - 'It's called 'I'll stay with you forever baby.'' - 'How sweet. Let me hear it...' - 'Ai, ai, ai, ai, ai, ai, ai, ai, ai, ai, ai, ai, ai, ai, ai, ai, ai, ai, ai, ai, ai, ai, ai,

"It's the super - he says a lot of short American fiction has been clogging the pipes in the basement."

Stand-up comedy while you're away at work. 'What's the deal with fetching? ...And they expect you to run and go get it, so why did they throw it in the first place?' 'Ha! Ha! It's funny because it's true!'

'Scientists have confirmed that smiling is contagious.'

Ian Fleming

'Personally, I think your idea of writing nursery rhymes is dumb, Mother.'

"200,000 other people have also highlighted this passage of the E-book, you common idiot."

'Henceforth, nurse Blum will be the nurse to take your blood pressure.'

"Hail to thee, blithe spirit!"

Amy Schumer