Literary Laugh-seeker Gifts

"200,000 other people have also highlighted this passage of the E-book, you common idiot."

Hay-on-Kwai Festival

Bad fake tan day.

"That'll be five bucks."

'Whoooa,MAN,check out this STORM! It's PELTING down!'

Farmer and FIsherman

'I don't understand. Why do you want to have your arms extended?'

"From here on out it's term and conditions."

Arabic Thief Salad - lashings of whipped cream...

"I finished my act. Could you come over and give me a hand?"

'l leave worrying about taxes to those who pay them.'

"I'm bad with languages. The only foreign sounding phrase I know is crack-a-brewski."

'My investment advice is to relax, stop and smell the roses, dig up the roses, bury a million dollars beneath the roses.'

'I do wish he'd stop showing off in front of his friends.'

"Have you tried the David and Goliath cocktail?"

"I'm having a dry October. . . October 2045."

John Dryden

"Right. Money isn't everything - what's the other thing again?"

'If they install word recognition software in my texting program, I wouldn't have to know how to spell or read. Ain't technology great?'

'It's an obvious case of identity theft.'

"I'll have whatever is hot, fast, and artisanal."

'Listen, be fair, George - it's your TURN to take Mrs McCarthy for her lesson.'

"It's always poor you, isn't it, Albert?"

"I may seem like a dour sort, Mr. Penfeather, but, I assure you, I can smile with the best of them when the occasion demands."

"How much should I spend on a bottle of wine?"

"Alice said the bottle had 'Drink Me' on the label but the only word I can see is Gin!"

Ratted!

A Butt Ox

'We take concerns about billions of pounds of NHS fraud very seriously. In fact I've asked Nurse Miggins to sort it out as soon as she gets back from lunch!'

"No, I don't want to know my age in dog years."

Here Lies Inventor of Autocorrect - Restaurant in Peace