Literary Laugh-seeker Gifts

"200,000 other people have also highlighted this passage of the E-book, you common idiot."

Hay-on-Kwai Festival

Bad fake tan day.

"That'll be five bucks."

'Whoooa,MAN,check out this STORM! It's PELTING down!'

Would you be willing to sign something regarding the fat content of your burger? Like what? My colon.

Farmer and FIsherman

'The end. Well, time for bed. What are you writing?'

'I don't understand. Why do you want to have your arms extended?'

Arabic Thief Salad - lashings of whipped cream...

"From here on out it's term and conditions."

"I finished my act. Could you come over and give me a hand?"

'l leave worrying about taxes to those who pay them.'

"I'm bad with languages. The only foreign sounding phrase I know is crack-a-brewski."

New Jersey Cops Gone Wild

"Stay back. I don't know what he's got, but I'm afraid it's catching."

'My investment advice is to relax, stop and smell the roses, dig up the roses, bury a million dollars beneath the roses.'

"Have you tried the David and Goliath cocktail?"

"I'm having a dry October. . . October 2045."

'I do wish he'd stop showing off in front of his friends.'

John Dryden

"Right. Money isn't everything - what's the other thing again?"

'If they install word recognition software in my texting program, I wouldn't have to know how to spell or read. Ain't technology great?'

'It's an obvious case of identity theft.'

"I'll have whatever is hot, fast, and artisanal."

"I may seem like a dour sort, Mr. Penfeather, but, I assure you, I can smile with the best of them when the occasion demands."

'Listen, be fair, George - it's your TURN to take Mrs McCarthy for her lesson.'

"It's always poor you, isn't it, Albert?"

I was going to tell this guy to shut up, but is conversation is actually more entertaining than the movie.

"She's addicted to those trashy novels."

"How much should I spend on a bottle of wine?"

"No, I don't want to know my age in dog years."

A Butt Ox

'We take concerns about billions of pounds of NHS fraud very seriously. In fact I've asked Nurse Miggins to sort it out as soon as she gets back from lunch!'

"Alice said the bottle had 'Drink Me' on the label but the only word I can see is Gin!"