Kid Critic Gifts

'Excellent grape jelly, Mother -- I detect Macabeo, Arinto, Rotgipfler, and just a hint of Hondarrabi Zuri.'

"Can I borrow the car keys?"

"Bah, I could've written a better dénouement in my sleep."

Cariactures

"I'm afraid you were drawn too big and not centered on the page."

'It's a Joan Biro.'

"Is there any way I could get a dashboard instead of a report card?"

"Hmmm, this might just be not funny enough for The New Yorker."

"What can I say? Second grade just hasn't lived up to the hype."

WELCOME TO KINDERGARTEN! "It was mostly okay, but there's way too much micromanagement!"

'Here comes the Papa-razzi again...'

'Can't you forget you were an art teacher?'

'I wasn't playing hooky -- I was fleeing the deteriorating public school system.'

Real coffee vs usual vending machine stuff

"I could do that."

We regret to inform you that your poem, "The Ramen," does not meet our publishing needs at this time. The short, frustrating career of Edgar Allan Typoe.

'I got tattoos to make a statement, but my teacher said I could do the same thing by joining the debating team.'

"I think the banana looks like a mustache, or a weird smile or something. How about an apple? ... Just a suggestion."

"They're at that age where it's only cool to wag ironically."

"Fine. It's just that it'll take me longer to walk there in my skinny jeans."

"Apparently my writing is so bad I've been rejected by a gene editor. She said she could see the lack of talent in my DNA."

"Well - and I'm not just saying this because you're my husband - it stinks."

"His painting is actually better than it looks..."

"I call it 'You kids turn down that so-called music. I can't even hear myself scream.'"

"The doctor said I've got 'texter's slump'."

"I won't do the 'What I did on my summer vacation' assignment. I consider it a privacy issue."

"I don't want your teacher to think a kid with grades this bad....could possibly have a father who could read or write."

"High school uniforms?! Can you imagine everyone wearing the same thing every day!"

'Isn't she a bit young for you?'

On today's "Ask Sadie" Radio Hour, we'll talk about the elephant in the room: Hillary Clinton's age. And Bernie's too. Forget all this PC nonsense, I'll just come right out and say it: Their age disqualifies them. These children don't know anything about life. I bet they haven't even gotten their first hip replacement yet. Nice to know we'll always be young to somebody. Earth is young to her.

"Excuse me...is there a dressing room with a slimming mirror and soft light..."

'Well that's just great...you ate the kids and spoiled your dinner!'

"Well, we’ve covered the weather, my prostate, your incontinence … I suppose our idiot children are up next?"

"This doesn't leave much room for creativity."

'I would probably do a lot better if you would just teach me stuff I already know.'