Young Critic Gifts

Child's Birthday: 'More junk, I bet!'

"Bah, I could've written a better dénouement in my sleep."

Cariactures

"I'll do the movie but I want to be highly compensated and highly acclaimed."

The height of fashion in 1796

'It's a Joan Biro.'

"I'm afraid you were drawn too big and not centered on the page."

'You did turn the company around... but we liked it the way it was...'

Mr. Empirical With "Antarctica""Small is hostile. Rage contributes to shift away from literality. I'm off to True Value Hardware for some more self-reference tools."

"Imagine if only 1/2 the companies that claimed to have a great culture actually did."

"Say 'eh.'"

Junk art/ food/ tv/ music/ amusements/ novels/ views/ life.

"No - you’re right. It’s dumb."

"Hmmm, this might just be not funny enough for The New Yorker."

Unlikely Couples #136: Jim and Sheryl Crow

Da Vinci painting a grumpy version of Mona Lisa.

Looks Like They're Finally Renovating The Toilet

"Please don't watch this show! There's a viewer trigger warning and a short fuse alert."

"Now that was post-modern sex."

T.S. Eliot lacks the courage to eat a peach.

WELCOME TO KINDERGARTEN! "It was mostly okay, but there's way too much micromanagement!"

"How is it in Russia?"

"I'm after the history section."

'Can't you forget you were an art teacher?'

"Honey, do you think I'm Eurocentric?"

"I'm taking detailed notes of everything, so I can tell my kids what things were really like when I was their age."

We regret to inform you that your poem, "The Ramen," does not meet our publishing needs at this time. The short, frustrating career of Edgar Allan Typoe.

"I wanted to deliver a message of hope and tolerance in a complex global society but I decided to update them on the Kardashians instead."

'Burke's B-list celebrities.'

'I got tattoos to make a statement, but my teacher said I could do the same thing by joining the debating team.'

'Michelle's Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms'

'So, ten thousand pounds could be yours if you call in and answer this question...Why the hell aren't you in bed?!'

"I call it Distressed Feline."

"It's all significantly less impressive once you realize these guys had free child care."

Real coffee vs usual vending machine stuff