Kid Critic T-Shirts

'Excellent grape jelly, Mother -- I detect Macabeo, Arinto, Rotgipfler, and just a hint of Hondarrabi Zuri.'

"Can I borrow the car keys?"

"Bah, I could've written a better dénouement in my sleep."

Cariactures

'It's a Joan Biro.'

"I'm afraid you were drawn too big and not centered on the page."

"Is there any way I could get a dashboard instead of a report card?"

"What can I say? Second grade just hasn't lived up to the hype."

"Hmmm, this might just be not funny enough for The New Yorker."

WELCOME TO KINDERGARTEN! "It was mostly okay, but there's way too much micromanagement!"

'Here comes the Papa-razzi again...'

'I wasn't playing hooky -- I was fleeing the deteriorating public school system.'

'Can't you forget you were an art teacher?'

"I could do that."

Real coffee vs usual vending machine stuff

'I got tattoos to make a statement, but my teacher said I could do the same thing by joining the debating team.'

"Apparently my writing is so bad I've been rejected by a gene editor. She said she could see the lack of talent in my DNA."

"Fine. It's just that it'll take me longer to walk there in my skinny jeans."

"They're at that age where it's only cool to wag ironically."

"Well - and I'm not just saying this because you're my husband - it stinks."

"His painting is actually better than it looks..."

"The doctor said I've got 'texter's slump'."

"I won't do the 'What I did on my summer vacation' assignment. I consider it a privacy issue."

"I don't want your teacher to think a kid with grades this bad....could possibly have a father who could read or write."

"High school uniforms?! Can you imagine everyone wearing the same thing every day!"

"Excuse me...is there a dressing room with a slimming mirror and soft light..."

'Well that's just great...you ate the kids and spoiled your dinner!'

'Isn't she a bit young for you?'

"Well, we’ve covered the weather, my prostate, your incontinence … I suppose our idiot children are up next?"

"This doesn't leave much room for creativity."

'I would probably do a lot better if you would just teach me stuff I already know.'

"If we're learning about multitasking, why does she need our 'undivided attention?'"