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WELCOME TO KINDERGARTEN! "It was mostly okay, but there's way too much micromanagement!"

Ed Flanders, Deconstruction Worker

"Is there any way I could get a dashboard instead of a report card?"

"This is a test. This is only a test. IF this had been the real world it'd be your job you'd be fighting for, not a letter of the alphabet."

Anderson Cooper as a Kid. Today, an expose that asks the question: Who IS Simon, and why must we do what he says?

'Miss Donahue would give him an F.'

"What can I say? Second grade just hasn't lived up to the hype."

'I wasn't playing hooky -- I was fleeing the deteriorating public school system.'

'We studied the multiplication table in school today -- frankly, I don't believe a word of it.'

"One can be against entitlements, and still feel a sense of entitlement."

'What have you got in the way of an imported red that has a label that doesn't look like my cat drew it?'

The End is Near art gallery opening.

"...as they may share in our joy.", "For we are all as one."

Tunnel of what passes for love these days. Tickets.

Evolution of love

"I won't do the 'What I did on my summer vacation' assignment. I consider it a privacy issue."

'I used to have serfs, but I've found that free-range peasants are more efficient.'

"I don't want your teacher to think a kid with grades this bad....could possibly have a father who could read or write."

'Get over it. Not all restaurants offer toy prizes.'

"O.K., here I am in the fourth grade, but is that really what I want to be doing with my life?"

"A guy can fall in love with a smile, then make the mistake of marrying the whole girl."

"I don't really believe in the tooth fairy anymore, but if it pays, I play!"

"You forgot his tail."

'I want to open a joint account with the riches man in town. . .'

"Our house wine is abominable."

"I like our history teacher, but he talks too much about the past."

"Excuse me...is there a dressing room with a slimming mirror and soft light..."

'Coool! On which channel?'

"Does this say 'Our Saviour', to you?"

'I would probably do a lot better if you would just teach me stuff I already know.'

"If we're learning about multitasking, why does she need our 'undivided attention?'"

Two kids caught playing dots & boxes on a Damien Hirst painting, spelling the word 'so-so'.

"Thanks for the birthday gift, but what will I do with a gift card to a toy store?"

Relationship problems.

A man smoking a post-coital cigarette sees a woman leaving a note in a suggestions box.