Keen Investor Gifts

'Years ago he got his investment back, plus millions in interest. So he's leaving everything to Bernard Madoff.'

'We've financed three more startups for no fathomable reason.'

"I'm from brokers without borders. Invest in deserted island reits!"

'I don't know if money grows on trees, son. I know it doesn't grow in fields.'

'You shouldn't have taken that personal pension.' 'You shouldn't have taken that endowment mortgage.' 'When do you get your free tv license?' Job's comforters, today.

'You always bring me the same thing every year, toys games sports equipment. I never get what I really want!' - 'What's that?' - 'Real estate!'

"If it's all the same to you, I'd like my allowance in bitcoins."

Saving for College.

'Believe me dad. I'm on the school math team. If your investments declined 50 then increased 50 you did not break even.'

'Now let's proceed downstairs and see where our stock shares presently sits,'

"I don't get an allowance. I get earnings per share."

"I'd like these invested in an aggressive mutual fund."

"Okay, it if makes you feel better...yes, I have stock in a banana company."

'What my stocks did during my summer vacation...'

'We're going to take a financial risk.'

"The first thing we should do is get you two into a good mutual fund. Let me get out the 'Magic 8 Ball' and we'll fun some options."

Graduating students asking for cash donations.

'That's Renfrew -- he's in charge of high-risk portfolios.'

Investments: We have locally grown stocks.

The last of the Mom and Pop brokerage houses

"You should consider buying."

Locally Grown Stocks, Farm Fresh CDs, Free Range Annuities.

Animal worries.

The Economy Discovers FFF!

'The prince and the princess lived happily ever after on their profits from capital-appreciation funds.'

I have a dream.

"I crunched the numbers until cautiously opportunistic."

"You can take it with you down here - but no social conscience funds."

"Don't put your money into stocks. Bury it!"

'He runs a very successful hedge fund.'

'This breed can smell incompetence.'

Elevator buttons read: Way Up/up/Down/Way Down.

"We shouldn't have sent him to summer financial camp. Today he turned down a new soccer ball--he didn't like its yield to maturity."

'Consumer confidence is up.. in the 'Money in the mattress' sector.'

"If you don't bury 10% of your bones, you'll have nothing when you retire."