Juvenile Court Worker Gifts

'We're adjourning at 1:30 for naptime.'

We're here at House of Java cafe at an all-too-familiar scene. House of Java.net Cybercafe. Tommy Jones, a local boy, has been caught stealing a scone. A minor offense? Not to the cafe's proprietor. He's demanding the boy be sentenced as an adult. But I'm eight! Wahhh! Add a year to the sentence for whining and crying.

'I appreciate how you feel, but I'm afraid your report card isn't grounds for defamation of character.

'During the break, my client stole my wallet.'

'Your honor, I'd like a short recess so my client can make a run for it.'

"Recess is over, Your Honor."

'My client has required the services of countless law enforcement, court, penal and probation personnel. He's not a menace...he's a jobs creator!'

'I got a suspended sentence.'

'I don't suppose there's any way I could serve my sentence on line?'

'I didn't know it was a one-trip salad bar!'

'We the jury find the defendant very, very, very, guilty.'

"Once again, I simply don't recall."

'Court is recessed until the big hand is on the three.'

'I bet this is going to be another round of criminal bashing, isn't it?'

'Remember, don't discuss the case with the jurors.'

"Instead of 'fraudulent,' the defendant requests that you refer to him as 'fluent in the ancient language of duplicity!'"

'Tell the truth: does this affidavit make me look fat?'

"Let's try the swearing-in process again, and this time, without the high-fives at the end."

'and for pushing your umbrella button in a VERY crowded elevator.'

'Is your verdict unanimous?'

'Must you be so judgemental?'

'It's not for acting...It's for a testimony in a courtroom.'

You're Out Of Order

'Oh, sure -- NOW you set boundaries!'

Attorney and killer bee.

"Your Honor, the witness, in my opinion, has failed to establish credibility."

'...unfortunately for you, I only see things in black and white.'

"Well, perhaps 'guilty' is too strong a word."

'Your disgusting behaviour has been almost human in nature!'

'Look, Your Honor -- We're both over-fifty white males, right?'

'That's why I like Neederman. He does the little things to help his team that don't show up in the statistics.'

'You're my 100,000th conviction... so, I'm going to take 25 off your sentence.'

"He said 'stop me if you've heard this before', so, naturally. . ."

'I accept that a dog can be a man's best friend but I'm afraid that doesn't qualify you to speak on the defendant's behalf...'

"Cupcakes for the judge? You're new here, aren't you?"