Court Worker Gifts

"Since this is your first offence, I sentence you to clean your room."

'Parking in a handicapped space, eh -- Well, then, I hereby sentence you to be handicapped.'

Trial by Media

'During the break, my client stole my wallet.'

'Your honor, I'd like a short recess so my client can make a run for it.'

"Recess is over, Your Honor."

'My client has required the services of countless law enforcement, court, penal and probation personnel. He's not a menace...he's a jobs creator!'

'I got a suspended sentence.'

'I gotta admit - this 'jury by my peers' idea of yours is looking pretty good.'

'I don't suppose there's any way I could serve my sentence on line?'

'We the jury find the defendant very, very, very, guilty.'

"Once again, I simply don't recall."

'I didn't know it was a one-trip salad bar!'

'Court is recessed until the big hand is on the three.'

'I bet this is going to be another round of criminal bashing, isn't it?'

"Let's try the swearing-in process again, and this time, without the high-fives at the end."

"Instead of 'fraudulent,' the defendant requests that you refer to him as 'fluent in the ancient language of duplicity!'"

'Remember, don't discuss the case with the jurors.'

'Tell the truth: does this affidavit make me look fat?'

'You are in court today, so I've got to take you into make up.'

You're Out Of Order

'They profiled me just because I'm a bank robber!'

'Must you be so judgemental?'

'Is your verdict unanimous?'

Judge

Attorney and killer bee.

'I hope you don't mind. To save time and money, we've sworn in the firing squad as the jury.'

"Oh, Joy of joys! We are but three steps away from our conservative supreme court."

'It's not for acting...It's for a testimony in a courtroom.'

'and for pushing your umbrella button in a VERY crowded elevator.'

'Oh, sure -- NOW you set boundaries!'

"Your Honor, the witness, in my opinion, has failed to establish credibility."

'...unfortunately for you, I only see things in black and white.'

'The 'whole truth and nothing but the truth' can be tricky.'

'No need to text me your answer to that. I'm right here.'