Jovial Ex-smoker Gifts

"He only smokes one cigarette a day now."

"You can't possibly know how I feel. Everybody likes you."

Farmer chasing alien leaving crop circles.

Complaints Desk

Death Photobombs a Holiday

'I taught him to shake hands, but I don't know where he got the joybuzzer!'

Pie chart of pub conversations

Doctor to patient: 'I won't be asking about your three marriages. This isn't an invasive procedure.'

'Your smile came in a distant third.'

"Don't worry, I won't hold my age against you."

'I'm not as think as you drunk I am.'

'Since he stopped smoking, he doesn't know what to do with his mouth.'

"Look - the FIRST EVER picture of a black hole!! What do you think?"

"I take it you'l like to open joint accounts. . ."

"Growing old is not the problem... it's not being rich that's the problem."

Nyargh! - 'I swear I will never eat fibre again...' - 'I christen thee 'Titan'.'

Dessert Storm Veteran

'Listen, pal, Happy Hour was over ten minutes ago.'

'My opinion, right or wrong!'

'You said we can grow our own food. So, where's the hot dog seeds.'

'Every year was the same. There was always some clown or comedian in Brian's intake of pupils.'

"Oh my....Look how much you've grown."

"I don't care what they do, as long as they don't mess with the thirty-two-ounce martini."

'Apparently he does 20 yards to the pint.'

'Wizzo Wotsits - how can I help you? Just putting you through to customer services. . .'

'Rudolf?'

'Oops! I should've gone to the bathroom before I came.'

Ad agency

"I don't understand. I gave up smoking two years ago."

Men discussing thier weight

"I brake for milk & cookies"

"I moved here just six months ago and already I'm part of the local color."

"Enjoy your retirement. I'm sure you will survive all of us. Hahaha, just kidding!"

A Cartoonist's Pen

"Very nice work indeed. You've captured a profound sense of provenance; 
the excrement and its excreter in an ever-rolling circle of life.

"