Job Jargon Jokers Gifts

Resume Consultant. Listing professional development courses you've taken since your last job was fine, but don't put"New & Improved" above your name.

"Remember the golden rule: more buzzwords, less real words."

Surgeon finds a doohickey on the patient's thingamabob.

"We need a best practice swim lane to leverage our core competency, move the needle outside the box, and open the kimono while keeping our ducks in a row. Can anyone give me a sustainable solution to more vertical effectiveness without getting too granula

"We have an acronym!"

'The shareholders have voted you off the board. We don't feel you're tough enough. On the bright side, you've won this year's Miss Congeniality award.'

"The announcement of the changes really went well."

'Recent studies in primate colonies suggest that organizational performance can be improved by replacing complicated financial incentives with bananas.'

Man at computer at sports company wears sweat band on head.

"It's time to retire the word 'profit'."

"I never accomplish the impossible, if I did it would become an expectation."

A Bloody Butcher

"OK, you're good and just the guy we need in security."

"It's a new target to target a time to reduce targets so that we'll be less target driven!"

'Here comes the boss. Quick, look busy!'

'Excellent!...We've been looking to hire someone who can think outside the box.'

'Would everyone please phrase their questions in ones and zeros please.'

"You call this sweating bullets over the Jackson account? What caliber?"

"Now you can send it."

'A High-pain job? Yes, I believe we have that.'

"...our Annual Report has been criticised for lack of clarity - well done!"

Executive golf with Newton's cradle

'It's easy, Greg. Just get in touch with your inner regional sales manager.'

"It's a swearbox."

"There's a conversation to be had around a piece of work I'd like us to do tonight."

'It appears you've done a wonderful job...of not getting fired.'

'Sorry to interrupt Dixon - but this is not what I meant when I said this company needed more blue-sky thinking!'

"You don't mind the psychometric test, do you?"

"Well, it could be the rising tide of consumer indifference to our company's latest product, or it might be the sink in the men's bathroom acting up again. We're still not sure."

"We were looking for somebody with experience in mumbo-jumbo but your resume is mainly about gobbledegook."

'It's signed by the entire office. You're not too popular areound here, are you?'

'....and that's our CEO. He's trying to find a corporate direction.'

"Abbreviations here, abbreviations there, and one is more incomprehensible than the next!"

"I do like you, Peter, but interfacing is a very serious step."

"I'm a bit concerned the staff don't respect me, they've given me a nickname."