Job Hunting Journeyer Gifts

"I'd like to be the first to welcome you to our company. But, I've decided not to hire you."

'So Kyle - have you considered the challenges of van driving?'

'Your resume is impressive, but next time try to shorten it from 100 pages to one.'

Prospective hospital employee: 'I do sutures. Are there any openings?'

"Are you willing to work the night shift?"

Fruit Fly Job Interviews

Over enthusiastic headhunter

"The labor market is awaiting you!"

'We can't find a pond small enough where you'd be a big fish.'

Now hiring.

'What else do you have going for you besides being aggressive?'

"You've been working out of your parent's basement since 1993?"

Multi-Species Employment Agency. Did you hire the octopus for that job opening? Yeah, but I did interview other applicants. The frog was a strong candidate. I'm flexible on location - I'm an amphibian! The whale seemed to be hiding something. The gap in my resume? Uh ... I was beached for a while. And the pig wasn't smart. I see "USDA Approved" on your resume. I don't think you understand what that mwans. The octopus got the job because he's a great multitasker!

"I can handle a wide variety of work. In fact I've had ten different jobs in four months."

'I hear you're looking for bounty hunters...'

'Refusing to fill in a psychometric test reveals a lot about you, Jones.'

'The Dow finally hit 10,000. Guess happy days are here again.'

"Tell us something we don't know."

'I'm not saying this is a deadend job, but you can forget a trophy wife.'

"A High-Pain Job? Yes, I believe we have that."

'Looking for a job with better conditions?'

'I'm sorry, but we are after a different kind of Web expert...'

'I'm willing to pay a hiring bonus to anyone who will hire me.'

Lying on your CV

'I'm a monarch, but I still pad my resume.'

"On your resume, under Achievements, what do you mean by 'inspired by actual events'?"

"I may have exaggerated a bit about coming up with a cure for cancer."

'There were a lot of highly qualified applicants, but I was particularly impressed by your resume.'

'Where do you see yourself in five years? Still looking for work?'

At last he was ready to plug into online job search.

Graduate Job Openings

"Not hired?! But I got A's in all my classes!"

'With animal welfare reform, I'm having to apply for a job.'

'We're looking for someone with a killer instinct.'

'I'm looking over your resum?, there is one opening we have for you.'