Job-hopping Gifts

"Miracles happen, gentlemen, but they don't come cheap."

'Our parents were replaced by machines - We'll be replaced with new software.'

'The lads at the office still talk about the day you told the boss what to do with his job...'

'Take two tablets the moment you begin to feel indispensable.'

'No, your guess isn't as good as mine.'

'AT&T? I'm letting you go. I'm down-sizing too!'

'Let me worry about the one percent inspiration, you just take care of the 99 percent perspiration.'

Work Parfait

'They sold the company in 2001? I was wondering why things were slow.'

"Welcome aboard, Bailey. Don't worry — they don't bite."

Royal Mail boss to become ITV boss.

'The staff is being reduced. The exit strategy will be explained at a meeting to be held, after work, in the parking lot.'

'I'm promoting you to project coordinator because you seem to have an overall view of things.'

'It's a lateral move, you'll now be getting all of Kramer's work too.'

'Poor Kleinzweck -- his working hypothesis got laid off.'

'Upset at you for breaching the non-compete? Of course not.'

'The shareholders have voted you off the board. We don't feel you're tough enough. On the bright side, you've won this year's Miss Congeniality award.'

'Go right in -- he's expecting you.'

'I had a thought. Let's scrap everything and start a new fiscal year right now.'

'Do you want to tell them their department is being downsized again, or should I?'

"Of course you can resign Ferguson. How would you like to buy back your freedom? Cash, credit card or easy payments?"

'A computer is only as good as the people who are employed to replace the people who were made redundant by the computer.'

"Hiring someone to replace me and then expecting me to train him just doesn't sit well with me."

PERSONNEL, 'Why did you leave your previous employment?', 'They asked too many questions!'

'So it's with a heavy heart that I leave you good people of St. Paul's and accept the calling to be minister at the Sunnydell Nudist Colony...'

'So Kyle - have you considered the challenges of van driving?'

The number one injury in today's workplace: severe bends caused by repeated exposure to deep-dive presentations.

"Tell the vice presidents they've downsized enough."

'Perkins, we're getting rid of some of the dead wood around here.'

'Your main goal in this job is getting out alive.'

"Ron didn't realise he was so popular."