Job Switchers Gifts

'Jury duty.'

'I lost my job at the farm, so I decided to try out nit-picking as a career...'

I've always wanted to quit while I was ahead but the opportunity never presented itself.

"Miracles happen, gentlemen, but they don't come cheap."

So which rung are you on my corporate ladder?

'Manager. . . Commander. . . Chieftain. . . King!'

'Our parents were replaced by machines - We'll be replaced with new software.'

'The lads at the office still talk about the day you told the boss what to do with his job...'

'AT&T? I'm letting you go. I'm down-sizing too!'

Work Parfait

Royal Mail boss to become ITV boss.

'They sold the company in 2001? I was wondering why things were slow.'

"We're looking for that perfect blend of vision, ambition and ethical ambiguity."

"Welcome aboard, Bailey. Don't worry — they don't bite."

'The staff is being reduced. The exit strategy will be explained at a meeting to be held, after work, in the parking lot.'

'I'm promoting you to project coordinator because you seem to have an overall view of things.'

'Poor Kleinzweck -- his working hypothesis got laid off.'

"This is probably not the time to admit I only joined the force because I figured we'd just be chasing cat burglars."

'It's a lateral move, you'll now be getting all of Kramer's work too.'

'Upset at you for breaching the non-compete? Of course not.'

'The shareholders have voted you off the board. We don't feel you're tough enough. On the bright side, you've won this year's Miss Congeniality award.'

'I had a thought. Let's scrap everything and start a new fiscal year right now.'

'Do you want to tell them their department is being downsized again, or should I?'

"Of course you can resign Ferguson. How would you like to buy back your freedom? Cash, credit card or easy payments?"

'A computer is only as good as the people who are employed to replace the people who were made redundant by the computer.'

"Hiring someone to replace me and then expecting me to train him just doesn't sit well with me."

PERSONNEL, 'Why did you leave your previous employment?', 'They asked too many questions!'

'So it's with a heavy heart that I leave you good people of St. Paul's and accept the calling to be minister at the Sunnydell Nudist Colony...'

"Tell the vice presidents they've downsized enough."

The number one injury in today's workplace: severe bends caused by repeated exposure to deep-dive presentations.

"Welcome aboard. We will endeavor to treat you with dignity and respect. Now get you and your stupid face out of my office."

'Perkins, we're getting rid of some of the dead wood around here.'

'Your main goal in this job is getting out alive.'

"Ron didn't realise he was so popular."

Businessman sees door sign 'Department of Mismanagement and Overbudget'.