Job Application Process Gifts

'When push comes to shove, I want people who'll push.'

'Thanks for stopping in. Don't call us, our database will contact your database.'

"Good: I see you're fluent in nonsense."

"I see we're all going into this interview a little superstitious."

'Kong, loved your resume but I have to ask for a drug test.'

"Who are you hiring? The one whose CV has spelling errors, food stains or printed using a dot-matrix printer?"

'I like your appearance. I'm sure we can find you a place in the company.'

"I'm really impressed with your work ethic."

"Qualifications are important, but we usually prefer them to be relevant to the job you're applying for!"

"If this goes badly I'm going to post it on my youtube job interview bloopers channel."

"Fill out an application? Can't I just text it?"

"It's a heck of a tale...and well told, but we don't publish resumes."

"He's having a hard time finding work."

He may have a PH.D in elementary particle physics, but he's having an awful lot of trouble with the application form.

"You're just the man we're looking for. Come around to this side of the desk, and I'll gather up my things and get the heck out of here."

"Where would you see yourself in five years' time?"

"There are no big jobs, only small machines."

'Pick a contract...any contract!'

'I'm afraid you don't have the leadership qualities we're seeking.'

"To make this interview more entertaining I would like you to take a breath of helium before answering the questions."

'Now then - I just wanted to see how you handle pressure, Mr. Boyle.'

"OK, you're good and just the guy we need in security."

"The company is very keen on diversity, could you reapply as a woman?"

'I'm looking fo someone who can make me laugh.'

Personnel - "This letter of recommendation is full of misspellings!"

'What a CV - if you can write memos like this you'll go far in our organisation.'

'Curious how all four previous employers spelt 'exceptional' with just an 'x'.'

"My biggest weakness? I'm a perfectionist."

'I'm also fluent in Geek.'

Do you have any other skills?

"Bob doesn't do well in job interviews, so he hired me. I'm a professional actor who specializes in these situations."

"We live in the golden age of fake news, alternative facts and spin control. Your resume is too truthful."

"I'm so efficient I can screw up two assignments in the time it takes most people to screw up just one."

'I know my resume makes me seem overtrained, but I really wasn't paying attention.'

You're next, Mr. Kimble - right after his apple danish.