Employment Process Gifts

"According to your personality profile you're a spineless little yes-man...congratulations, you're hired!"

'Do you think, perhaps, that we could start shooting for a few longer-term goals around here?'

I hope a starting salary of 80 and a severance of 12 is acceptable....

37 years in the same position.

Outer Space Outsourcing

"I'm going to need a little more for the root cause than, who'da thunk."

'Pick a contract...any contract!'

"Lost my job. But I'm pretty sure it's around here somewhere."

"OK, you're good and just the guy we need in security."

'Curious how all four previous employers spelt 'exceptional' with just an 'x'.'

'I'm sure that you are highly qualified. It's just that we're not hiring anyone at the third grade level.'

'Your decade of experience is, unfortunately, from the wrong decade.'

'We'd like to pay you what you're worth, too, Fenstrom. Unfortunately we must conform to the minimum wage law.'

'Let's keep in mind that although quitters never win, they often manage to avoid litigation.'

We're looking for someone who knows how to adapt, not adopt.

"You're hired. Now, I'll show you your desk, the break room, and the dented wall you're allowed to beat your head against."

Between Offices

In and Out Sourced.

Work Slave

I'm over-educated and under-employed. That's why there's no MIDDLE class anymore.

"This resumé has the kind of sizzle we're looking for."

'Yes, we do have an incentive scheme.We call it 'continued employment'.'

'A High-pain job? Yes, I believe we have that.'

'I'm afraid that the top investment banks are looking for more from job applicants than a 'Top Degree from the University of Hard Knocks'.'

'...And for the low visibility positions we can bring people on board who can, you know...do things.'

''A desk job.' That's what they called it at the interview.' 'Same here.' 'SHH!'

'We like your style, but hate your substance.'

If a moo can rise to the top, so can I.

"I've learned something in this trial. My firm needs to hire that prosecutor."

Get Well Soon and Hurry Back to the Office. . . Before Sharks Eat Your Job

"It raises trust issues, Mr. Kranse, when your very first question is 'what's the catch?'."

'I blame the nothing for something culture.'

'As my subordinate, naturally I expect you to take the heat on things that otherwise would make me uncomfortable.'

'You call it diversified work experience.. I call it can't hold a job.'

"What other skills do you obtain other than being able to answer interview questions?"