Jaded Realist Gifts

Tramp holding a sign saying: 'It's OK to fail.'

Road Forks in the Road: No Way and Yes Way.

"I am not a workaholic. I just work to relax."

"Son, the world is full of disappointments. About 7.7 billion of them."

"You can't offend me. I never mix religion or politics with reality."

"To be honest the culture sucks, but the pay is amazing."

"Have you ever given any thought to what you're going to do after all your hopes and dreams are crushed?"

Platitudes for the hopelessly realistic. When life gives you lemons, get a gift receipt.

Woman talking romantically whilst man talks about measuring the scullery.

"Alarmingly, after five minutes the pool had come no closer."

"You asked to see me, boss?" "Yes, Rudy. We have a serious problem here." "I'm going to need you to stop humming the 'Star Wars' theme 24/7." "Disney is notoriously litigious. If they catch wind that you're publicly performing the theme, they may sue the cafe for royalties." "Daaaa... daaaa... duh-duh-duh daaaaaaa... daaaa... duh-duh-duh... wait, what?" "If you cost me my livelihood, I'll do to you what Han did to that Tauntaun."

"Just sitting here widening. You?"

"I see fleeting moments of happiness in between extended periods of boredom and stress."

Warning Being Alive On This Planet May Cause Cancer

The little engine who could, but decided not to- 'Ah, the heck with it!'

Born Cynical,,,,

"So ... taking that nap during my performance review was a very bad idea."

Rural Cityscape

No crawling sign in the desert.

I was found guilty, eight of the jury were my ex-wives.

"Could be worse..." "Could be worse..." "Could be worse..." "Could be... oh, never mind."

'When did the world get into such a big hurry?'

Success Without Effort

"It's no good, Martin, it's still in the room."

'Sure I had the world on a string, sittin' on a rainbow, but my finger turned blue and my hemorrhoids were killing me!'

Japanese disaster

Half full head of hair, half empty head of hair.

"He's growing up too fast. Instead of hearing a fairytale, he wants to know about rights in the workplace."

"When people talk about a 'staycation' this isn't what they mean!"

"And if things don't work out in the big city, Cindy, you can always come back home to me and Mom and our nightmare descent into booze and pills."

'I'm looking as young as 20 years ago? Honey, promise me not to see an eye specialist for the next 20 years!'

'Yeah, I couldn't make a lousy cent for days and I don't care about it! Got me, dude?'

'The worst part is, we've never had it so good.'

'One thing about being chronically unemployed -- we're safe from work-related injuries.'

"As a Senior Citizen applying for this job, where do YOU see yourself in 5 years?"