Jaded Researcher Gifts

"We will prove everything for you, regardless how absurd, stupid or unlikely it is. We're dependent scientists, that means that it depends on the fee."

My Bookshelf Before the Internet

'...And here we have the 'Laugher Curve.''

Need Supercomputer to finish my PhD, Please Help.

"I understand the revisionists are hot on your trail, Professor Delauney."

'What I did on my summer vacation: I wrote about what I had done the rest of the year.'

"What lead you to growing human tests in a test tube?"

"I wish my Dad would get off my back! It's only been nine years and he wants to know if I've picked a major yet!"

'I reckon we have grounds for a libel action, don't you?.'

Genetic Fingerprinting.

"To be honest the culture sucks, but the pay is amazing."

'Hey, it's that peeping Tom again, the one who has no respect for privacy.'

"Well, if the test is multiple choice I choose not to take it."

"Dean Williams, the grant committee approved my research grant to determine how many research grants are a waste of government money!"

'Doctor, one placebo or two with your tea?'

Laboratory: Protons /Electrons/Morons

"This is quite a surprising discovery."

Great progress has been made in the science of genetic clowning.

Impartial Testing: "Eeny, meeny, money, moe..."

'Today: The collective unconscious...'

1998: A Look Back

'I'm writing my dissertation on Latte Sizes.'

'Are you sure Anderson is working on the Human Genome Project?'

'Ever since I had a disease named after me, people seem to keep their distance.'

'Dr. Sykes is very important is scientific circles. We believe he may be the missing link.'

'It doesn't matter that your thesis is on extra sensory perception, you can't cite mindreading in your references.'

They used a scientific method to decide which new product idea to pursue.

'But your book proved that gravity is a very weak force.'

I was found guilty, eight of the jury were my ex-wives.

Born Cynical,,,,

'I hope it's a taste test. There are no right or wrong answers on a taste test.'

'She will not call on me, she will not call on me, she. . .'

'I recommend you major in something other than meat.'

"You're research is very promising. It's just a shame you're afraid of mice"

"The great thing about studying tiny things is that no one knows what the hell you're doing."