Jaded Investor Gifts

"It's only by cultivating a deep mutual trusting relationship with clients that you'll get the chance to shaft them more than once!"

'I think I know what the problem is!'

'You reached the Nervous Investor Fund's Hotline. The per share value is now 19.05, now 18.91, now...'

'The golden eggs are great... but I need you to lay a golden parachute.'

'Just to let you know the cause of your pain and my advice is Quite Watching Stock Prices Go Up And Down.'

"How is the dollar trading against the Martini today, Jack?"

'Mr Rombly has cancelled his appointment. The Dow is up and he's feeling no pain.'

"And they say it's the safest 500-P/E stock out there."

"I just learned that my golden parachute was not properly packed."

"To be honest the culture sucks, but the pay is amazing."

'It's like a bull market, only not as aggressive. It's more like a steer market.'

'These are tough times for wall street tycoons...the best we can do is laugh half-way to the banks.'

"Okay, what if we go outside - will it still be insider trading then?"

Investing 101 Acronym Test.

'I know exactly how you feel, kid. I remember when I wiped out my first client. Of course, I'd been at the job more than 15 minutes.'

Businessman on a Slippery Downward Slide.

Investments: Remember, tis better to have loved money and lost, than never to have loved money at all.

"D'you have any porn porn?"

"We've got a new financial advisor. I asked him how to cut down on out of pocket expenses and he said to stop wearing clothes with pockets."

'My new investment counselor keeps referring to my stock portfolio as 'a financial aneurism waiting to happen'.'

"Tell me more about Armageddon. I think it may have potential as an exchange-traded fund."

Garage Sale: Assorted shares of stocks.

Wall Street walking traffic sign flashes 'Worry' and 'Don't Worry.'

'The only way you can become a millionaire by investing in savings accounts, is to invest millions in savings accounts.'

"I'm not goofing off. I'm letting my money work for me."

'Aren't corporate raiders getting increasingly aggressive?'

'Unfortunately, medical science hasn't come up with a cure for 'stock market jitters.'

Born Cynical,,,,

I was found guilty, eight of the jury were my ex-wives.

Doctors appointment.

"We love Santa, but Santa didn't know as much about investing as he thought he did."

"Hurry it up, Solomon Brothers are waiting for my decision"

'Yes...our chief analyst is recommending further investments in the new year.'

'Oh, I just love dealing with investment clubs. Now, in whose name will you be buying the one-half share of Microsoft?'

"Today treasuries were down on news that bitcoin futures were up."