Jaded Investor Gifts

"It's only by cultivating a deep mutual trusting relationship with clients that you'll get the chance to shaft them more than once!"

'I think I know what the problem is!'

'The golden eggs are great... but I need you to lay a golden parachute.'

'You reached the Nervous Investor Fund's Hotline. The per share value is now 19.05, now 18.91, now...'

'Just to let you know the cause of your pain and my advice is Quite Watching Stock Prices Go Up And Down.'

"How is the dollar trading against the Martini today, Jack?"

'Mr Rombly has cancelled his appointment. The Dow is up and he's feeling no pain.'

"I just learned that my golden parachute was not properly packed."

"And they say it's the safest 500-P/E stock out there."

"To be honest the culture sucks, but the pay is amazing."

'These are tough times for wall street tycoons...the best we can do is laugh half-way to the banks.'

'It's like a bull market, only not as aggressive. It's more like a steer market.'

Investing 101 Acronym Test.

"D'you have any porn porn?"

'I know exactly how you feel, kid. I remember when I wiped out my first client. Of course, I'd been at the job more than 15 minutes.'

'My new investment counselor keeps referring to my stock portfolio as 'a financial aneurism waiting to happen'.'

Investments: Remember, tis better to have loved money and lost, than never to have loved money at all.

"We've got a new financial advisor. I asked him how to cut down on out of pocket expenses and he said to stop wearing clothes with pockets."

Businessman on a Slippery Downward Slide.

Garage Sale: Assorted shares of stocks.

"Tell me more about Armageddon. I think it may have potential as an exchange-traded fund."

Wall Street walking traffic sign flashes 'Worry' and 'Don't Worry.'

"I'm not goofing off. I'm letting my money work for me."

'Aren't corporate raiders getting increasingly aggressive?'

'The only way you can become a millionaire by investing in savings accounts, is to invest millions in savings accounts.'

Doctors appointment.

'Unfortunately, medical science hasn't come up with a cure for 'stock market jitters.'

I was found guilty, eight of the jury were my ex-wives.

Born Cynical,,,,

"We love Santa, but Santa didn't know as much about investing as he thought he did."

"Hurry it up, Solomon Brothers are waiting for my decision"

"Today treasuries were down on news that bitcoin futures were up."

'Yes...our chief analyst is recommending further investments in the new year.'

'No. The last time I tried to get my money to work for me it ran off and left me.'