Jaded Corporate Philosopher Gifts

"To be honest the culture sucks, but the pay is amazing."

Golly, �1m a year isn't too much. I don't know why your shareholders don't understand you.

"'Quid pro quo' is a no-no, Bradbury. Around here we say 'reciprocal altruism'."

'You'll like this, gang ? it's an 'eyes-only' list of 'shady-but-tolerated' loopholes allowed by the Securities and Exchange Commission.'

The Solar System (after deregulation)

'The good news is we're projecting a profit. The bad news is none of us will be alive then.'

'I clawed my way to the top and then I clawed my way back to the middle.'

He was destined for greatness. Whatever that meant.

"Actually, the district office is getting better results with a fresh garlic bagel."

"Hoskins, try saying 'profits are up' without the finger quotes, okay?"

"Brilliant report, I can't tell where the facts and the fiction begins"

"Work hard, make the sacrifices and in 25 years you could be just like me!"

"Actually, it's more like a mouse race."

'I've stepped on so many people for the last 20 years to get where I'm at, and I'm still only a middle manager.'

'Let's keep in mind that although quitters never win, they often manage to avoid litigation.'

'How about we just sit here a while to regulate the gaps in our service?..'

"Ahh... don't you just LOVE that new, re-organized-under-bankruptcy-protection smell?"

"They found a use for that old paper shredder."

"You knew this was a soul-sucking job when you took it."

"Maybe we should have another look at the 'business as usual' idea."

'I hate his kind. They use their integrity and hard work to advance their careers.'

"May I offer a very different scenario?"

'Perkins, you really know to suck the joy out of a 3rd quarter report.'

Go slow delegating authority. First learn how to delegate blame.

"The good news is we've used up all our bad ideas."

'The company's in great shape financially. Hey, a bent but still usable staple!'

'I sometimes wonder if these endless meetings accomplish anything.'

'You've become like a son to me, Alvin. But the company has strict rules against nepotism, so I have to let you go.'

'We use a modified 'carrot and stick' approach here - We've done away with the carrot.'

Genius

'As chairman, that's my opinion. I propose we table any motion to further discuss this matter. All those in favor say 'aye'. All those opposed say 'bye'.'

Experience is important, so I'm inclined to leave questions of ethics to those who have them.

'We raised the price, so at least as far as we're concerned it's new and improved.'

'That's true son..Money can't buy happiness. But it makes being unhappy a little easier to live with.'

What Business People often say (and what they really mean)