Irony Smitten Pillows

They may be her friends, but they have the veracity of spies.

"Living in a city with functional infrastructure must be so boring."

"On a more positive note the guidance we’ve published on the services we can’t provide is published in 37 different languages."

"In the first place, it isn't "maddening crowd.' It's 'madding crowd.' "

"Ironically, this is the living room."

'It's a nice idea. A bit rough around the edges but I'm sure it will evolve given time.'

'And remember to emphasize we're giving them the opportunity to find a better job.'

Though he created more than 300 products from peanuts, George Washington Carver was unable to change even one of them back into a peanut.

"Now, how can I be of assistance?"

'According to our statistics department, 78.93 of the statistics they produce are worthless.'

"If I might be serious for a moment..."

Bob had to confront his fear of butterflies.

Three gates of hell: marriage counseling, investments, company meetings

"All natural snow cones for sale."

"So then, after I'd invented my time machine, I thought: why not go back and visit the good old days?"

'You're going to have to make some changes in your lifestyle.'

'This country is on the road to ruin.' - 'Well, it'll never get there in this traffic.'

"No writers were harmed or mistreated in the preparation of this story."

Backfire

Men looking at black screen, "I call it film noir"

"Hue More Church Candlelight mass 7:00pm - 8:00pm"

"Would you relax? All you guys are so tense. I just wanted to tell you to your face how enigmatic I find you."

"That report on corporate redundancy... I'd like it in triplicate."

"I agree, the place was a tear-down, but I just remembered we were only renting it."

Baby's first thought...Daddy's a moron.

Freedom comes at a cost. We must be willing to pay the ultimate price. Retail.

"It says 'break glass' but it doesn't say what glass!'

Don't swallow. I've lost a contact.

"And we are proud to say we only use the freshest artificial ingredients."

'Dang it, I just washed this street. Boy, every time...'

Always empty your fridge before starting a diet.

"Well, look at the bright side, Timmy — you're 100 percent wrong."

"Your usually vicious sarcasm is weak. Go pump some irony."

"It turns out everyone here is self-published."

Frozen Turkey: "I hate to bother you on a holiday but I'm freezing out here. Do you have a heated enclosed space I could rest inside for four to five hours?"