Irony Admires Pillows

"Oh, Stan, I love your sarcastic sense of humor."

"On a more positive note the guidance we’ve published on the services we can’t provide is published in 37 different languages."

"Of course he's smiling. He's getting $15,000 to give a lecture on free speech."

"In the first place, it isn't "maddening crowd.' It's 'madding crowd.' "

"You've got to fill in these forms to join the 'How to reduce bureaucracy' seminar."

"We need to make some cuts. We'll start with integrity, accountability, openness, and transparency."

"That's the guy I hired to read Proust for me."

"Ironically, this is the living room."

"Too bad about old Ainsworth. Published and published, but perished all the same."

"I don't think you're getting enough stress."

'And remember to emphasize we're giving them the opportunity to find a better job.'

"Third quarter numbers were good after we cut our global workforce three to two."

'According to our statistics department, 78.93 of the statistics they produce are worthless.'

"Technology isn't making me smarter. It's allowing me to be dumb, faster."

"This is the perfect way to watch movies if you love mosquitoes and having a cold, wet butt."

Three gates of hell: marriage counseling, investments, company meetings

'You're overdue for your checkup.'

"Why won't you teach us how to handle complaints?"

'I've decided to step down as your CEO in order to spend more time in jail...'

"All natural snow cones for sale."

"I've no idea. Maybe it's the slumber channel."

'You're going to have to make some changes in your lifestyle.'

"So then, after I'd invented my time machine, I thought: why not go back and visit the good old days?"

"Hue More Church Candlelight mass 7:00pm - 8:00pm"

"Would you relax? All you guys are so tense. I just wanted to tell you to your face how enigmatic I find you."

'I don't believe it. Five minutes after he gets the darn thing, he has an arrest!'

'Dear Diarrhea, Day 84. Well, I'm constipated again today...'

Baby's first thought...Daddy's a moron.

Don't swallow. I've lost a contact.

"It says 'break glass' but it doesn't say what glass!'

"And we are proud to say we only use the freshest artificial ingredients."

Always empty your fridge before starting a diet.

"Your usually vicious sarcasm is weak. Go pump some irony."

"It's a cage. It's gilded, and I love it."

"Well, look at the bright side, Timmy — you're 100 percent wrong."