Irony Admires Pillows

"Oh, Stan, I love your sarcastic sense of humor."

"You've got to fill in these forms to join the 'How to reduce bureaucracy' seminar."

"Of course he's smiling. He's getting $15,000 to give a lecture on free speech."

"On a more positive note the guidance we’ve published on the services we can’t provide is published in 37 different languages."

"In the first place, it isn't "maddening crowd.' It's 'madding crowd.' "

"We need to make some cuts. We'll start with integrity, accountability, openness, and transparency."

"That's the guy I hired to read Proust for me."

"Ironically, this is the living room."

"Too bad about old Ainsworth. Published and published, but perished all the same."

"I don't think you're getting enough stress."

'And remember to emphasize we're giving them the opportunity to find a better job.'

"Third quarter numbers were good after we cut our global workforce three to two."

'According to our statistics department, 78.93 of the statistics they produce are worthless.'

"Technology isn't making me smarter. It's allowing me to be dumb, faster."

"This is the perfect way to watch movies if you love mosquitoes and having a cold, wet butt."

"I bought it off the therapist who's helping me kick my compulsive shopping disorder."

Three gates of hell: marriage counseling, investments, company meetings

"Why won't you teach us how to handle complaints?"

'You're overdue for your checkup.'

'I've decided to step down as your CEO in order to spend more time in jail...'

"All natural snow cones for sale."

"Hue More Church Candlelight mass 7:00pm - 8:00pm"

"I've no idea. Maybe it's the slumber channel."

"Would you relax? All you guys are so tense. I just wanted to tell you to your face how enigmatic I find you."

'You're going to have to make some changes in your lifestyle.'

"So then, after I'd invented my time machine, I thought: why not go back and visit the good old days?"

'I don't believe it. Five minutes after he gets the darn thing, he has an arrest!'

Baby's first thought...Daddy's a moron.

'Dear Diarrhea, Day 84. Well, I'm constipated again today...'

Don't swallow. I've lost a contact.

"It says 'break glass' but it doesn't say what glass!'

"And we are proud to say we only use the freshest artificial ingredients."

"Well, look at the bright side, Timmy — you're 100 percent wrong."

Always empty your fridge before starting a diet.

"Your usually vicious sarcasm is weak. Go pump some irony."