Ironists Of Commercialism Gifts

"It starts earlier every year."

"Hue More Church Candlelight mass 7:00pm - 8:00pm"

Stop! Stop what? Do not change the channel! Sex, death, harrowing footage of the most remarkable story you've ever seen, tattoos, rock-n-roll, action, action, action! It's all coming right up, right after this five second break for station identification. Five seconds ... You're watching Rock Television. And now back to our ... bored. Welcome to ABC. We've got thrills, action, more thrills ... Click. I've got your action right here. We've created a monster. Click click click click click cl-

"Pavlov's dog: Friday night"

'Caution Speed Bump Ahead.'

"Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, despite how bad it's going to screw you?"

Why Superman flies himself

I know it seems a bit misplaced, but it does pay all the wedding expenses !'

That private little woodland walk you used to love now with a: Visitors' Experience Centre!

'Oh, the guru is up on the next peak -- I'm his agent.'

"Can you give me your opinion on the 'Paid for' magazines debate?" "Sure...but it will cost you"

Privatized Jails

"Our constantant surveillance indicates workers are becoming more paranoid."

"Halloween stuff already? It's August!"

Foreclosed

"It must be near New Year's Day...There are Easter eggs in the shop windows!"

Clancy: Extending Overdrafts

'Office of P.G.Barley and Clones'

'They didn't kick me upstairs after all -- they threw me down the elevator shaft!'

"I'm going out on a limb here, and sincerely apologize to my constituents today for the misappropriations and bribes I will take if I'm elected governor."

Fancy Wallpaper in a Cell

"My only hope is that future generations honor this day of independence with a huge one-day sale."

Ask Sadie. Dear Sadie, What do you think of younger men? -kl. *(Actual reader letter) Ask Sadie at rudy@rudypark.com. Depends. Younger men have strong jaws and rock-hard abs, but they're missing the sexiest thing: they're not crotchety jerks, set in their ways, willing to argue about anything and say totally stupid things. Hey, doesn't that foul old wretch realize I've got rock-hard abs and a steel jaw?! (This cartoon was originally published on 2014-07-12)

Mall Ahead - Be prepared to shop.

"The genetic engineers gave him that birthmark as part of a sponsership deal."

'We're all gonna have lovely hangovers in the morning!'

'I stole it from the library.'

Unbeknown to other, Thoreau would sometimes, in the middle of the night, sneak out for a few odds and ends.

"Up here! Beef jerky, trail mix, energy bars!"

'I'm sick of you leeching off me.'

'I spend the winter in Sarasota now, since I sold my entire list to telemarketers.'

"Honey, guess what? My therapist finally got me to cry!"

General says, 'Gentlemen, no more war. Because of health concerns they've recalled everything that contains lead, like our bullets.'

'Rest assured, your fear of harpoons is anything but irrational.'

It is what it is. Settle down! Stop being such a worrywart. What's the worst that could happen? Inactivists.