Ironists Gifts

'The good news is, you haven't lost water pressure.'

'Serving you is our number one job'

'I can't save your husband, but I can save you 20%!'

'It's come to my attention that you haven't been sleeping on the job.'

'Don't you have anything else you could read to me other than my life insurance policy?'

'We're all gonna have lovely hangovers in the morning!'

'Argh, Harold, what happened to you?'

'I stole it from the library.'

'I could use a trim.'

"I work here because I need health insurance. I need health insurance because I work here."

Irony - also spelled 'ironie', Ironie - also spelled 'irony'.

'The good news is that we're going to name the disease after you.'

It was the health benefits that got me started on red wine.

I must not write Repetitively...

Hunter Caught In Bear Trap.

'You're just fine. The prescription is for me!'

'Why did you leave your last job?' 'The parole board finally came through.'

Support Group For the Unsupportive

Unbeknown to other, Thoreau would sometimes, in the middle of the night, sneak out for a few odds and ends.

'He's had acupuncture to cure his drink problem.'

"The irony of this situation is that next week you're going to win the lottery...!"

"You'll never get away with it!"

"Honest Abe, huh? Your tax returns tell a different story."

Health Foods: Closed Due to Illness

'It worked!'

'Don't worry, Jerry, we have a car. I mean, what animal could keep up with a car?'

'There goes a real ledge end in his own time.'

'Let's loathe a little television.'

'I hate you already... let's get married.'

'I miss him most on pay days.'

'He keeps calling out another woman's name in his sleep. I live in hope that one day he'll run off with her.'

'Basically your career choices are death, or ironic self-parody.'

Help! Academic. Couldn't hack it in 'the real world'

'My wife thinks I should see a therapist to determine why I think I don't need therapy.'

'Stand on your own two feet, and get a bailout, like everyone else!'