Ironist Fan Gifts

"Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and you will never see him at work again."

"This is a merit-based organization! Can't you see I’ve hired the very best and most qualified yes-men money can buy?"

'If he knows so much about stocks and shares, how come he still has to work?'

Wolf Danny With "Random""The work must be tantamount to mayhem. Making an insatiable public confused, indifferent, annoyed—this is the premise on which rests my deliberately vacuous oeuvre."

Lactose Intolerant

Backfire

"Hue More Church Candlelight mass 7:00pm - 8:00pm"

Freedom comes at a cost. We must be willing to pay the ultimate price. Retail.

"To be honest, I don't believe in ghosts."

"Nobody ever asked about my mental health."

"Unbelievable! A tick!"

"Lori, go ahead and toss in 'Lolita.' Now, what's next?" "We'll need more lighter fluid." "'The Lottery' is devils work." "We must protect the children." "Book burning club"

It's a new government directive requiring us to be 58% more cheerful within 18 months.

"My career's in shreds, but on the bright side, so are my files."

"Still Undecided Political Blocs"

Armed forces waiting with nothing to do.

"At First Infidelity we're all about integrity...."

"And lastly, for my infinite perseverance, self-control and fortitude, I'd like to thank the Internet trolls."

Man commiting suicide finds the treasure at the bottom of the sea.

'Hey, buddy, do you mind lending me a hand? I appear to be stuck in this thing.'

Gary misread the new policy on 'Free Thinking' in the work place.

"Nice haircut."

''Science moves but slowly, slowly, creeping on from point to point'. Tennyson.'

'You're suffering from job-stress insomnia. Stop counting sheep to fall asleep.'

'Of course I hired Andrew. He's the best divorce lawyer around! Unfortunately, he's also the rat I want to get divorced from...'

'Caution Speed Bump Ahead.'

Why Superman flies himself

'Silly me, I brought the wrong book -- You two just swore an oath of celibacy.'

"Behold! I am God! I know all. Yet I'm constantly testing you even though I already know what you'll do. But I'll still punish you for the sins I planned for you to do. And you'll suffer in a fiery pit, tormented beyond imagining forever and ever and ever

Profits - "On the positive side, our company has never been touched by any scandal connected with insider trading."

"Pavlov's dog: Friday night"

"Its my letter of resignation. I also turned it into a memoir."

'Center for the Study of Murphy's Law' (Closed today because everything that could go wrong, did go wrong.)