Ironist Fan Gifts

"Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and you will never see him at work again."

"This is a merit-based organization! Can't you see I’ve hired the very best and most qualified yes-men money can buy?"

'If he knows so much about stocks and shares, how come he still has to work?'

Wolf Danny With "Random""The work must be tantamount to mayhem. Making an insatiable public confused, indifferent, annoyed—this is the premise on which rests my deliberately vacuous oeuvre."

Lactose Intolerant

"Hue More Church Candlelight mass 7:00pm - 8:00pm"

Backfire

Freedom comes at a cost. We must be willing to pay the ultimate price. Retail.

"Nobody ever asked about my mental health."

"To be honest, I don't believe in ghosts."

"Unbelievable! A tick!"

"Lori, go ahead and toss in 'Lolita.' Now, what's next?" "We'll need more lighter fluid." "'The Lottery' is devils work." "We must protect the children." "Book burning club"

It's a new government directive requiring us to be 58% more cheerful within 18 months.

"My career's in shreds, but on the bright side, so are my files."

"Still Undecided Political Blocs"

How to win friends and Influenza People.

Armed forces waiting with nothing to do.

"At First Infidelity we're all about integrity...."

'Hey, buddy, do you mind lending me a hand? I appear to be stuck in this thing.'

Man commiting suicide finds the treasure at the bottom of the sea.

"Nice haircut."

"And lastly, for my infinite perseverance, self-control and fortitude, I'd like to thank the Internet trolls."

Gary misread the new policy on 'Free Thinking' in the work place.

''Science moves but slowly, slowly, creeping on from point to point'. Tennyson.'

'You're suffering from job-stress insomnia. Stop counting sheep to fall asleep.'

'Of course I hired Andrew. He's the best divorce lawyer around! Unfortunately, he's also the rat I want to get divorced from...'

"Its my letter of resignation. I also turned it into a memoir."

'Caution Speed Bump Ahead.'

Profits - "On the positive side, our company has never been touched by any scandal connected with insider trading."

"Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, despite how bad it's going to screw you?"

Why Superman flies himself

"Behold! I am God! I know all. Yet I'm constantly testing you even though I already know what you'll do. But I'll still punish you for the sins I planned for you to do. And you'll suffer in a fiery pit, tormented beyond imagining forever and ever and ever

"Pavlov's dog: Friday night"

'Silly me, I brought the wrong book -- You two just swore an oath of celibacy.'

I'm tired of your games, Al. MY games? look who's talking! The guy with the role-playing hand puppets!