Ironic Writer Gifts

Gigolo Diary

A woman floats in the pool under the shade of an airplane

"I agree, the place was a tear-down, but I just remembered we were only renting it."

"You are being overly-defensive again, Brenda!"

MUSHROOM MASACRE.

"Admit it, we're lost."

"It's a long way to Enlightenment. You might need some cash."

Grim Reaper Buying CDs...

"Eww - that whale's breath smells awful!" "You could use a breath mint yourself, lady!"

"In hindsight, we shouldn't have had him cremated."

"Day 4,261... I don’t know how much longer I can survive. Still no signs of civilization. Food is scarce and I fear the wound on my ankle is infected. Still, all this pales in comparison to the horror of having to be anywhere at any particular time."

"Of course it's not clean energy -- We don't have clean ANYTHING!"

"I don't know anything about art, but this is a damned good Martini."

' It's a bit of an anti climax - I've washed it but I can't go any where ! '

"I condensed my painting to the pure essence of the message. What helps me a lot is the fact that I've got nothing to say at all."

'I'm no expert, but I think we're a little behind when it comes to the latest industry technology.'

'Mom, Dad... we found out that in a previous life, Sheila was a dog and I was a tree. That's why we decided to marry to continue this promising relationship!'

"There are no such things as problems, only opportunities."

"Pendleton, as of noon today your services will no longer be required. Meanwhile, keep up the good work."

"I've outlived my conventional and alternative doctors."

"I'm thinking of leaving these crowded condos and going to a place that's been deserted for years...the mall."

"All this online learning sort of makes you miss the head lice days, huh?"

Follow me on Twitter...

"....And the weatherman said it was going to be a hot one today so take it easy and stay hydrated..."

'I'm writing a vegetarian cook book.'

'Eh, love. The one armed bandit at the end of the bar isn't working.'

What Could Go Wrong?

A dog dressed as a cowboy leans against a sign that reads "Armed response".

"Now then Mr Parker - are you relaxed?"

"I hope someday someone steals my identity and makes something out of my life."

Site of new Super Gamblers Anonymous.

'You say you're having trouble seeing into the future'

"It's right here in the brochure: 'Be sure to tip your fishing guide.'"

'Making staff get a sick note after one day is essential if we're to make the whole system work more efficiently!'

"Well I got a dog because I wanted to spend more time brushing hair off my clothes, and picking up poop."