Ironic Philosopher Gifts

'I'm a homeless person, Ma'am -- would you mind if I came in and recharged my cell phone?'

'Hey, it's not all bad - At least you've got SELF-pity.'

'I did it the hard way. No self-improvement books.'

'I recently saw the Maltese Falcon for the first time in years, and I didn't like it nearly as much as I expected to. Because of that, I find I'll now have to rethink my whole life.'

'I'm looking for the book that tells how to be less materialistic without actually giving up any stuff!'

"I told him it wouldn't kill him to take a little exercise once in awhile, but I was wrong."

"There are no such things as problems, only opportunities."

"You'll find a day in the sewage treatment plant will do wonders for you."

"So anyway, I found a worm on the path the other day and carried it to safety. Then I hear: 'Hey! I was heading the other way!"

"Regulations, Unions, Health Insurance...all leftist nonsense! I love the freedom of being my own boss!"

"I've outlived my conventional and alternative doctors."

'We're ahead of the game. We've lost nothing since we never had anything.'

'And now a prayer for those less fortunate, such as my 'foreclosed property' Reit...'

'What do you mean, you're having second thoughts...?'

"I'm highly respected in my field, should I choose to pursue it."

'Do I look like a stock market guru to you?'

'There's a lot of talk about safe sex, but I'm not getting any.'

'I don't have any friends....even when I tried to find one on Facebook, no one even there wanted to be a Facebook Friend!'

"I got the grant! I'm researching whether money can buy happiness."

"You have brought sunshine to my life and now I must say good-bye."

"Do not bury yourself alive if allergic to burying yourself alive."

"I'll probably hate myself in the morning."

"Behold the secret to happiness."

"... and I have a follow-up question regarding rawhide."

A woman floats in the pool under the shade of an airplane

"You are being overly-defensive again, Brenda!"

"In hindsight, we shouldn't have had him cremated."

"It's a long way to Enlightenment. You might need some cash."

"Admit it, we're lost."

Zenemies.

"Of course it's not clean energy -- We don't have clean ANYTHING!"

"I don't know anything about art, but this is a damned good Martini."

"So have you ever stopped to ask yourself: If he really knew the secrets of the universe, would he be living in a damn cave?"

'That's your third bowl of gruel this week! What is this -- a feeding frenzy?'

"Now then Mr Parker - are you relaxed?"