Ironic Thinker Gifts

'You say you're having trouble seeing into the future'

"Remain calm and list your goals in order of priority."

Meet The Ghostwriter

'Inflation is when everyone is so rich nobody can afford anything.'

'...and please, please, please, give me a chance to price to you that winning the lottery won't spoil me...'

Noise Pollution

"I hate crowded parks!"

Speed enforced by really slow walkers.

Fire alarm box on fire.

Bob was rich beyond his wildest dreams - which didn't amount to much given how incredibly lame those dreams were.

"I'm only doing this job because I feel sorry for my Legal Aid lawyer."

'I always encourage employees to think for themselves, as long as they think what I tell them.'

"I travelled a thousand miles to ask you, old wise one... when is a cliche cartoon no longer funny?"

Live Flower/Vase Flower - 'Julia?'

"I've done my tour of duty on Wall Street."

'You've cured my insufferable conceit, Doc -- now I'm perfect!'

Followed by a cactus...

"Of course it's not clean energy -- We don't have clean ANYTHING!"

'Experience is the wonderful knowledge that enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.'

'If I can reach that cabin, I'll be saved...just a few seconds more...a miracle! I never thought I'd make it...I gotta get out of here.'

'Can you take away my worms?'

'My catastrophic insurance was a waste of money. When the catastrophe hit, I didn't need it.'

'It's all about buying stuff. Christmas has become a joke. That's why they call today Boxing Day. It's the punchline.'

'Did not perform well during my peak earning years.'

"Good news... I've left the air conditioner on so the house will be cool when we get home."

I'm Apathetic And Nobody Cares.

"I gave up smoking to annoy my wife by living longer."

"Im diversifying my portfolio."

Breathe-aholics Anonymous: 'Hi, my name is Glen, and I've been clean and sober for over one minute.'

"A ship! Thank heavens, I'm finally saved!"

Woman seeks male companion...

'Death rate for smokers? Same as for everyone else - once per person...'

A bad habit promotes evolution.

"He's got a point you know."

Snowman's Funeral.