Ironic Storyteller Gifts

'This next song is about a close call and a near success. It's called The Grant that Got Away.'

'No offense, Frank, but your Facebook posts are getting repetitive.'

Follow me on Twitter...

"I suppose it was very sweet and old-fashioned of him, but, still, it was syphilis."

'It's the Titanic, afterwards.'

"... and they both pretended to live happily ever after."

"It's a novel about quarterly reports."

"After Goliath..he never quite matched up to his original promise."

'Tell my wife I can't speak to her right now. However, she can send me a fax detailing the info on whether she had a boy or a girl.'

For Sale: Bagpipes, used only once by owner just before his murder.

So! Graham Greene.

'Mr Thomas! Don't get on that ship! The rest of the book, To Serve Turkey...it's a cookbook!'

'That Noah's some sailor, the World is covered in water and he runs aground!'

Bank Robbery - The CEOs took the money a long time ago.

"Deep down, I really believe the people of this country would've LOVED our brand of freedom and democracy. Too bad they didn't survive it."

I should be a writer when I grow up...

"I'm sorry, Your Majesty. It's always my intention to leave you laughing."

Swan Fairy Tales

"Did you sleep awkwardly again?"

A disgruntled employee chain-sawes hois boss's desk in two.Boss says:'Alright Smith, I'll stop referring to the employees as 'oopsy daisies'.'

The Demise of Tinkerbell

J. R. R. Tolkien

'You've orbited the Earth in a NASA spacecraft! Wow! Me, I've jumped over the Moon...'

"That's her - that's the girl who broke into our house! But her hair was 'goldier'."

"It that it? I don't have my contacts in."

"Sorry lad, ye can't be having' me pot o' toilet paper."

'My 'What I Did Over The Weekend' report is about my hunting a 17,000 pound moose, deep inside Canada.Some or all of this report has been fictionalized for dramatic purposes.'

'What sort of wines do you like?' ... 'Powerful ones!'

'We're doing a fly on the wall documentary.'

"Hello, my name is Karl and I'm addicted to speaking to small groups of strangers."

'This court finds you guilty Mr. Jones. As your punishment, the bailiff here will slug you one.'

After chasing the rabbit for many hours, Buster found himself very far from home indeed.

I wonder what kind of wizard or vampire my husband will be

"#notguilty."

Sisyphus visits Stowe