Outlandish Storyteller Gifts

'You've orbited the Earth in a NASA spacecraft! Wow! Me, I've jumped over the Moon...'

I should be a writer when I grow up...

Swan Fairy Tales

"Did you sleep awkwardly again?"

A disgruntled employee chain-sawes hois boss's desk in two.Boss says:'Alright Smith, I'll stop referring to the employees as 'oopsy daisies'.'

The Demise of Tinkerbell

'My 'What I Did Over The Weekend' report is about my hunting a 17,000 pound moose, deep inside Canada.Some or all of this report has been fictionalized for dramatic purposes.'

"It that it? I don't have my contacts in."

"Sorry lad, ye can't be having' me pot o' toilet paper."

Man cutting hedge next to two heads impaled on sticks. Signs beneath say 'You missed a bit' and 'You can do mine next'.

"That's her - that's the girl who broke into our house! But her hair was 'goldier'."

'We're doing a fly on the wall documentary.'

"Hello, my name is Karl and I'm addicted to speaking to small groups of strangers."

After chasing the rabbit for many hours, Buster found himself very far from home indeed.

'This court finds you guilty Mr. Jones. As your punishment, the bailiff here will slug you one.'

'Mom, Dad... we found out that in a previous life, Sheila was a dog and I was a tree. That's why we decided to marry to continue this promising relationship!'

"#notguilty."

"Your records indicate a great deal of early promise however you've apparently become old and bald."

"Well, sir, it looks like things are getting pretty serious for Peter and Pauline."

How I met your mother

"It doesn't say, Son, whether or not Noah wore a captain's hat."

'...and when the wolves moved house I was adopted by beetles.'

My Spam Sketchbook

"Well, I'm the company sports champion! During the lunch break I ate more hamburgers than any other colleague!"

"Once upon a time there was a kind bank manager who found all the money lost in the global financial meltdown, brought world peace, stopped global warming, cured the common cold and discovered Julian Assange is Santa."

"You're using the boogeyman as an excuse to shut me out."

Santa's Helpers

'Where's the petty cash?'... 'It's in the box marked Pension Fund.'

'My phone number, Social Security number and Zip Code, just to buy gum? They didn't ask me that many questions when I joined the army.'

'I can't remember the title, but it began, 'Once upon a time'...'

Pets in Attorney's office - 'The iguana gets everything.'

"This little piggy went to market, this little piggy drove the getaway car..."

"I've finally finished my lockdown novel."