Outlandish Storyteller Gifts

'You've orbited the Earth in a NASA spacecraft! Wow! Me, I've jumped over the Moon...'

I should be a writer when I grow up...

"Did you sleep awkwardly again?"

Swan Fairy Tales

A disgruntled employee chain-sawes hois boss's desk in two.Boss says:'Alright Smith, I'll stop referring to the employees as 'oopsy daisies'.'

The Demise of Tinkerbell

J. R. R. Tolkien

Man cutting hedge next to two heads impaled on sticks. Signs beneath say 'You missed a bit' and 'You can do mine next'.

'My 'What I Did Over The Weekend' report is about my hunting a 17,000 pound moose, deep inside Canada.Some or all of this report has been fictionalized for dramatic purposes.'

"It that it? I don't have my contacts in."

"That's her - that's the girl who broke into our house! But her hair was 'goldier'."

"Sorry lad, ye can't be having' me pot o' toilet paper."

"Hello, my name is Karl and I'm addicted to speaking to small groups of strangers."

'We're doing a fly on the wall documentary.'

'This court finds you guilty Mr. Jones. As your punishment, the bailiff here will slug you one.'

"#notguilty."

I wonder what kind of wizard or vampire my husband will be

After chasing the rabbit for many hours, Buster found himself very far from home indeed.

'Mom, Dad... we found out that in a previous life, Sheila was a dog and I was a tree. That's why we decided to marry to continue this promising relationship!'

How I met your mother

"Well, sir, it looks like things are getting pretty serious for Peter and Pauline."

Santa's Helpers

'...and when the wolves moved house I was adopted by beetles.'

My Spam Sketchbook

"Your records indicate a great deal of early promise however you've apparently become old and bald."

"Once upon a time there was a kind bank manager who found all the money lost in the global financial meltdown, brought world peace, stopped global warming, cured the common cold and discovered Julian Assange is Santa."

"Well, I'm the company sports champion! During the lunch break I ate more hamburgers than any other colleague!"

"It doesn't say, Son, whether or not Noah wore a captain's hat."

"You're using the boogeyman as an excuse to shut me out."

'Where's the petty cash?'... 'It's in the box marked Pension Fund.'

Follow me on Twitter...

'My phone number, Social Security number and Zip Code, just to buy gum? They didn't ask me that many questions when I joined the army.'

'I can't remember the title, but it began, 'Once upon a time'...'

"This little piggy went to market, this little piggy drove the getaway car..."

Pets in Attorney's office - 'The iguana gets everything.'