Storyteller Of The Absurd Gifts

Left-Wing Hoaxers Are the Only Reason the Awesome Trump Administration Looks Bad

'Mom, Dad... we found out that in a previous life, Sheila was a dog and I was a tree. That's why we decided to marry to continue this promising relationship!'

"I thought we agreed you weren't going to work at home."

"You know how it is, one minute I'm selling insurance in South Dakota and the next minute I have a hook for a hand. How about you?"

'You've orbited the Earth in a NASA spacecraft! Wow! Me, I've jumped over the Moon...'

'I'd like two pizzas, one with cheese and pepperoni and the other with cheese and sausage. One more thing, do you deliver?'

"Now you can send it."

"Staring down the enemy in the heat of battle! That is how sausage is made!"

"She's a dachshund-lemming mix."

'When you said this movie's about a fish out of water, I was expecting more of a light-hearted comedy.'

"Are you the one they call El Cóndor?"

Bird in a chair with a human in a cage.

Follow me on Twitter...

Salvador Dali's cats.

'Miss Jones, take this down.'

'Have you seen the ruddy margins the Chinese expect us to take up for this work?'

Operation.

UFO and snowman

Baseball.

Salome on Settle (also called Maitresse d'Orchestre) - intended for book but suppressed

'Bad as this may look, it's actually the perfect accompaniment with your entree.'

Happy Birthday to you... Thanks guys!

Minefield! Thank you for treading carefully.

'Ok, now if everyone could just hold still.'

'Nobody special, but rich enough to build this statue of himself.

'I just found out that our credit union is illusory!'

A patient, a doctor and a deep sea diver

Trapeze artists commuting

"Yes, but can your philosophical speculations on existence also be relative to why I crossed the road?"

I think the speed grazing record is in the bag!

Albert should have known that cactuses rarely have change. Besides, they prefer jazz.

'You're too fussy - the coffee isn't THAT bad!'

"I was going to call you but I remembered I left some empty oxygen canisters on Mt. Everest."

Tourist is told to go home by a monument

'Sorry Ma'am, but I only do palm-readings...'