Humorist With A Love For The Absurd Gifts

'He said he was going for a quick dip in the tar pits before dinner and that was the last time I saw him officer.'

"I thought we agreed you weren't going to work at home."

"I agree, the place was a tear-down, but I just remembered we were only renting it."

Mac's Bait and Sushi Shop

"You know how it is, one minute I'm selling insurance in South Dakota and the next minute I have a hook for a hand. How about you?"

MUSHROOM MASACRE.

'I'd like two pizzas, one with cheese and pepperoni and the other with cheese and sausage. One more thing, do you deliver?'

"Eww - that whale's breath smells awful!" "You could use a breath mint yourself, lady!"

"Day 4,261... I don’t know how much longer I can survive. Still no signs of civilization. Food is scarce and I fear the wound on my ankle is infected. Still, all this pales in comparison to the horror of having to be anywhere at any particular time."

Grim Reaper Buying CDs...

"Now you can send it."

' It's a bit of an anti climax - I've washed it but I can't go any where ! '

'I'm no expert, but I think we're a little behind when it comes to the latest industry technology.'

"I condensed my painting to the pure essence of the message. What helps me a lot is the fact that I've got nothing to say at all."

"Try picking up a girl after you've renounced everything."

"Staring down the enemy in the heat of battle! That is how sausage is made!"

"She's a dachshund-lemming mix."

Herding lava back to the fire pit.

'Mom, Dad... we found out that in a previous life, Sheila was a dog and I was a tree. That's why we decided to marry to continue this promising relationship!'

"Pendleton, as of noon today your services will no longer be required. Meanwhile, keep up the good work."

"I'm thinking of leaving these crowded condos and going to a place that's been deserted for years...the mall."

"Good lord, Billingsworth. You've stumbled onto the legendary Lepidopterist Graveyard."

"All this online learning sort of makes you miss the head lice days, huh?"

"Are you the one they call El Cóndor?"

"....And the weatherman said it was going to be a hot one today so take it easy and stay hydrated..."

'I'm writing a vegetarian cook book.'

'Eh, love. The one armed bandit at the end of the bar isn't working.'

'Keep it under you hat, but I want you to enrich some uranium.'

'Miss Jones, take this down.'

Baseball.

"If there is a heaven, why do we end up as fossil fuel?"

UFO and snowman

A dog dressed as a cowboy leans against a sign that reads "Armed response".

Operation.

"It's right here in the brochure: 'Be sure to tip your fishing guide.'"