Humorist With A Love For The Absurd Gifts

"I thought we agreed you weren't going to work at home."

"I agree, the place was a tear-down, but I just remembered we were only renting it."

Mac's Bait and Sushi Shop

"You know how it is, one minute I'm selling insurance in South Dakota and the next minute I have a hook for a hand. How about you?"

'I'd like two pizzas, one with cheese and pepperoni and the other with cheese and sausage. One more thing, do you deliver?'

Grim Reaper Buying CDs...

"Eww - that whale's breath smells awful!" "You could use a breath mint yourself, lady!"

"Day 4,261... I don’t know how much longer I can survive. Still no signs of civilization. Food is scarce and I fear the wound on my ankle is infected. Still, all this pales in comparison to the horror of having to be anywhere at any particular time."

MUSHROOM MASACRE.

' It's a bit of an anti climax - I've washed it but I can't go any where ! '

"Now you can send it."

'I'm no expert, but I think we're a little behind when it comes to the latest industry technology.'

"I condensed my painting to the pure essence of the message. What helps me a lot is the fact that I've got nothing to say at all."

"Try picking up a girl after you've renounced everything."

"Staring down the enemy in the heat of battle! That is how sausage is made!"

'Mom, Dad... we found out that in a previous life, Sheila was a dog and I was a tree. That's why we decided to marry to continue this promising relationship!'

"She's a dachshund-lemming mix."

Herding lava back to the fire pit.

"Pendleton, as of noon today your services will no longer be required. Meanwhile, keep up the good work."

"All this online learning sort of makes you miss the head lice days, huh?"

"Are you the one they call El Cóndor?"

"I'm thinking of leaving these crowded condos and going to a place that's been deserted for years...the mall."

"Good lord, Billingsworth. You've stumbled onto the legendary Lepidopterist Graveyard."

'I'm writing a vegetarian cook book.'

"....And the weatherman said it was going to be a hot one today so take it easy and stay hydrated..."

Baseball.

'Eh, love. The one armed bandit at the end of the bar isn't working.'

'Miss Jones, take this down.'

"If there is a heaven, why do we end up as fossil fuel?"

UFO and snowman

Operation.

A dog dressed as a cowboy leans against a sign that reads "Armed response".

'Keep it under you hat, but I want you to enrich some uranium.'

"It's right here in the brochure: 'Be sure to tip your fishing guide.'"

'Did anyone hand in a mature stilton last week?'