Storyteller Of The Absurd T-Shirts

'Mom, Dad... we found out that in a previous life, Sheila was a dog and I was a tree. That's why we decided to marry to continue this promising relationship!'

"I thought we agreed you weren't going to work at home."

"You know how it is, one minute I'm selling insurance in South Dakota and the next minute I have a hook for a hand. How about you?"

'I'd like two pizzas, one with cheese and pepperoni and the other with cheese and sausage. One more thing, do you deliver?'

'You've orbited the Earth in a NASA spacecraft! Wow! Me, I've jumped over the Moon...'

"Now you can send it."

"Staring down the enemy in the heat of battle! That is how sausage is made!"

'When you said this movie's about a fish out of water, I was expecting more of a light-hearted comedy.'

"She's a dachshund-lemming mix."

"Are you the one they call El Cóndor?"

Bird in a chair with a human in a cage.

UFO and snowman

Operation.

Baseball.

'Miss Jones, take this down.'

'Have you seen the ruddy margins the Chinese expect us to take up for this work?'

'Bad as this may look, it's actually the perfect accompaniment with your entree.'

Happy Birthday to you... Thanks guys!

Salome on Settle (also called Maitresse d'Orchestre) - intended for book but suppressed

Minefield! Thank you for treading carefully.

'Ok, now if everyone could just hold still.'

'Nobody special, but rich enough to build this statue of himself.

A patient, a doctor and a deep sea diver

I think the speed grazing record is in the bag!

Trapeze artists commuting

'I just found out that our credit union is illusory!'

"Yes, but can your philosophical speculations on existence also be relative to why I crossed the road?"

Albert should have known that cactuses rarely have change. Besides, they prefer jazz.

'You're too fussy - the coffee isn't THAT bad!'

"I was going to call you but I remembered I left some empty oxygen canisters on Mt. Everest."

After his 'Activity Weekend' Uncle Reg was a changed man.

'Tell my wife I can't speak to her right now. However, she can send me a fax detailing the info on whether she had a boy or a girl.'

Tourist is told to go home by a monument