Storyteller Of Absurd Expectations Gifts

'When you said this movie's about a fish out of water, I was expecting more of a light-hearted comedy.'

'Br'er Fox said 'I'm going to throw you into the briar patch'...And Br'er Rabbit said, 'Please,please don't taser me!''

"I thought we agreed you weren't going to work at home."

'Looks like someone beat us to the punch.'

"You know how it is, one minute I'm selling insurance in South Dakota and the next minute I have a hook for a hand. How about you?"

'I'd like two pizzas, one with cheese and pepperoni and the other with cheese and sausage. One more thing, do you deliver?'

'You've orbited the Earth in a NASA spacecraft! Wow! Me, I've jumped over the Moon...'

"Now you can send it."

'After years of practicing in empty theaters, Horace's dream of becoming a soft-shoe dancer seemed as remote as ever.'

'Mom, Dad... we found out that in a previous life, Sheila was a dog and I was a tree. That's why we decided to marry to continue this promising relationship!'

"...And I like how you switched from the first person narrative to third person—impressive." "Thanks."

We never got anything done around here until we invented verbs.

Bird in a chair with a human in a cage.

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Salvador Dali's cats.

Baseball.

'Miss Jones, take this down.'

Operation.

UFO and snowman

"Lady... I gotta work order to fix a leaky roof."

"Never get between a mama bear and her cub – unless you want to hear a long story about our struggles with bedtime."

Three years ago during a special episode of the Ask Sadie™ show, our resident octogenarian asked readers for advice about how she could deal with her midlife crisis. You should try a radical makeover. When I hit midlife, I dyed my hair, got some tattoos, and dropped 75 pounds. My husband barely recognized me when he returned from overseas. He was not happy with my "new self," so I divorced him rather than change who I'd become. It was the best decision I'd made since I cut my thieving mother out

Happy Birthday to you... Thanks guys!

'Bad as this may look, it's actually the perfect accompaniment with your entree.'

"On your application it says you've been a circus clown, an orthopaedic surgeon and a molecular biologist."

'Your novel has an up-to-the-moment breaking news quality. We intend to publish it in 2012.'

Salome on Settle (also called Maitresse d'Orchestre) - intended for book but suppressed

Press freedom day

Triple espresso. Forget it, Uncle Mort. Let's face facts: You're not as young as you used to be. Too much caffeine can literally kill you. Poppycock! Do you know who you're talking to? When we stormed across Europe under Patton, my tank battalion got stuck in the mud during a torrential downpour. Arty Lang switched my canteen full of rainwater with one full of tank gas. So I replaced his tank's timing belt with tree bark and dental floss. That big galoot and I were always pranking each other lik

Minefield! Thank you for treading carefully.

'Ok, now if everyone could just hold still.'

'Sure you always catch bigger fish than me. Your arms are a foot longer than mine.'

'Nobody special, but rich enough to build this statue of himself.

Jonah met a strange wooden boy in the belly of the whale.

"Darn! And me without my camera!!"