Ironic Storytellers Gifts

"In the novel based on my case, I'm acquitted."

Plato seeking platonic love on Tinder.

They stole your identity, but after seeing your credit score, they gave it back.

"I'm sorry, Your Majesty. It's always my intention to leave you laughing."

A disgruntled employee chain-sawes hois boss's desk in two.Boss says:'Alright Smith, I'll stop referring to the employees as 'oopsy daisies'.'

'You've orbited the Earth in a NASA spacecraft! Wow! Me, I've jumped over the Moon...'

After chasing the rabbit for many hours, Buster found himself very far from home indeed.

I just made up that part. It should really throw people for a loop if they find this place thousands of years from now!

"#notguilty."

"Ever since the layoffs, I feel like we've been doing the work of twenty clowns."

"Once upon a time there was a kind bank manager who found all the money lost in the global financial meltdown, brought world peace, stopped global warming, cured the common cold and discovered Julian Assange is Santa."

"Your records indicate a great deal of early promise however you've apparently become old and bald."

BOOKS ON VIDEO/BOOKS ON TAPE/READ YOUR OWN.

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"Really, Larry? Of all the things that could have bitten you, you get a wereduck?"

"What are you trying to tell me, girl? Are you hungry? You’re not hungry? The squirrels are skinny-dipping in the pool? Cats are making a hook rug out of your bed? You dug up Jimmy Hoffa?!" "Mitch liked messing with his dog's head."

'I ask myself-do I really want to sleep on the edge of the bed again?'

"Hey samson, nice man bun."

'...in sickness or health, inflation or deflation,marriage tax credit or debit...'

'I can't say I like your cavalier attitude Benson.'

"I didn't say I started jogging, I said blogging."

"That script of yours - I've never read such a load of cliched second-rate crap...It'll make us rich..."

'Who ordered twelve gross of aluminium buckets for the bailout?'

"It's true. God appeared to Trump in a dream and told him to run for president."

"A tornado? Uh, yeah...that's exactly what happened, Mom, a tornado did hit my room!"

Drone Baby Delivery

Table for two. Whom does sir think he's kidding? You're right table for one. Menu.

Happy Birthday to you... Thanks guys!

"I LOVE this business! Just when you think you've discovered our culture's lowest common denominator, along comes a crazy genius like you to show us how wrong our math was!"

Oliver Twist As Re-imagined in the Modern Boardroom.

'It's odd...when I was CEO of Phoenix Industries everybody laughed at my jokes, but since I've been retired, nobody does.'

'My biggest mistake was to make a 'death-bed confession'... then I made a full recovery!'

'You're an estate agent aren't you?'

"Armstrong, why do we have Fourth of July decorations up? It's months away." "Exactly." "A true patriot loves his country regardless of the date." "A true patriot celebrates the founding of our corporatocracy every single day of the year, minion." "Some of the decorations are smeared with coffee grounds and banana peels." "A true patriot knows that one cafe's dumpster is another cafe's treasure."

"I had money problems- forged fivers the wrong colour!"