Ironic Perfectionist Gifts

'This can't be paradise - the reception is terrible!'

"They say it takes 10,000 hours to perfect something- I guess I was a bit hasty throwing that together in 144."

'Why didn't he take 8 days and finish the job properly?'

"Bah, I could've written a better dénouement in my sleep."

"I’ve seen better metaphors in my litter box."

"Various entrances to the gates of Hell."

"Nobody's perfect, but we're working on it."

Surreal ale

"Hmmm, this might just be not funny enough for The New Yorker."

"My mom's restricting my phone. She says I don't have enough Selfie Control."

"By God, for a minute there it suddenly all made sense!"

"I've heard of being organized, but isn't this a little obsessive compulsive?"

'Why am I not surprised that this section is always the most disorganized?'

Poetry repairman

Writer

"Wallace couldn't come, but I brought some of his fussy prose."

"Queen begins with Q, it should be precisely here."

Perfection

"It says it's the vodka that's distilled twenty-nine times - they just can't seem to get it right."

"Being happy with one's work is the kiss of death."

"You're welcome."

'I'm a narcissist? - Are you saying I'm not perfect?'

Quality Contorl.

"I can be perfect for only one hour a day."

Ventriloquist's fete

'I like the plot, but are all those nude scenes really necessary?'

Desk trays - 'Do it' and 'Do it right this time'.

Writer's Block Next 10 Miles

Certificate for 98.4% accurasy.

"Take away his brilliant prose, and he's just some depressed guy."

"You'll come? Great." "The Hendersons will be too." "We'll kill them at poker." "Phil and Edna, planning a murder for later that night."

"Now you can send it."

Woman trying to straighten a picture of the Leaning Tower of Pisa.

'Not 'fell', Simkins - 'fallen': Mr. Jones has fallen out of the window...'