Ironic Health Gurus Gifts

'Great, more trans-fats and cholesterol!'

'No, honestly, it's just diet and exercise.'

'They took my Science Fair Award away. They said I ate too much fish, which is brainfood. So, it was like I was on mental steroids.'

"Eat your vegetarian or you'll go extinct!"

'Because we're still part of society - that's why we have to go organic.'

'Took calcium supplements for years without paying for them.'

"My doctor told me to get outdoors more, so now I put on more yard sales."

"What a success! We've sold all our copies. You're a great team! Let's go for beer, pizza and crisps - my treat!"

'You are talking about health? Ha! My cig does not have calories, fat, cholesterol, carbohydrates and sugar!'

'Yes, yes, yes, now seriously, what can we do to improve our health?'

'The items with the little hearts will clog your arteries the fastest.'

"Health advice does change over time, but I doubt if we'll EVER be recommending a diet of pizza and beer."

"I don't know, doc, I'm just not peeling well!"

'Mom, I don't care how high in fiber they are. Broccoli flakes are going to fail as a breakfast cereal.'

'But I feel quite healthy.'

'Looks like you've got enough fiber in your system.'

'First they shoot at us, then they try to fly like us, now they want to steal our lunch.'

'Frankly, the diet I'm putting you on will include things that you probably wouldn't consider 'food' as such.'

'I wonder if we're getting enough fibre?'

'OK, that's two triple bacon double cheese burgers with extra mayo. Would you like a will with that?'

'...and to think, forty years ago I gave up smoking and drinking for this.'

I'll sleep better if I only drink one cup of coffee a day.

'You're getting older... it's a common complaint.'

"Stop watching ladies beach volleyball for a while."

'My doctor has been dropping subtle hints for me to loose weight.'

'You're fat. I'm putting you on a diet.'

'Let's keep this simple - what part of you doesn't hurt?'

"My theory is that alcohol and gluten, if taken together, will reduce fat and build muscle."

"You're retaining water. Stop eating sponge cake."

Life before fitness trackers.

My exercise routine is to change channels every time there's an ad about junk food.

'Oh yeah? Well, Dr. Rose predicts that my inevitable stress-induced massive coronary will strike in half the time as yours.'

Cod Liver Oil: A group of angry Atlantic Cods have finally found the person who has the remains of their former Livers being sold as a Health product.

"Drinking and smoking will certainly help you to get an 'enhanced annuity'. . ."

'Geeez! One day, we'll all get killed by that unhealthy stuff!'