Ironic Health Adviser Gifts

"Give it to me straight, Doc. How long do I have to ignore your advice."

'Let's keep this simple - what part of you doesn't hurt?'

"My blood type...it's the type that doesn't like to exercise."

Your problems are all in your head, Al. This time you're wrong, doctor. I happen to be lying on my keys. The problem is not in my head. It's in my left buttock.

"My doctor told me to get outdoors more, so now I put on more yard sales."

'According to Dr Alvin McDowell, everything that was good for you is now bad for you!'

'You are talking about health? Ha! My cig does not have calories, fat, cholesterol, carbohydrates and sugar!'

'But I feel quite healthy.'

"I'm recommending a more balanced diet."

'OK, that's two triple bacon double cheese burgers with extra mayo. Would you like a will with that?'

I'll sleep better if I only drink one cup of coffee a day.

'You're fat. I'm putting you on a diet.'

"Stop watching ladies beach volleyball for a while."

'My doctor has been dropping subtle hints for me to loose weight.'

This is Dr. Sadie. What's your question, caller? How can I tell if my cold is really bronchitis? Stop yer sniveling. In my day, a body would hope it was bronchitis. It gave you a chance to prove your grit! Nothing like a touch of burning pain, wheezing, and crackling in the chest to separate the women from the girls. What kind of doctor are you, again?

"My doctor said I needed to go on a diet. . . Yes, to a new doctor!"

"You're my second opinion. . . my wife was my first."

"Don't eat so fast"

'The doctor said I should cut down on my alcohol intake, so I've stopped eating wine gums.'

"You're retaining water. Stop eating sponge cake."

'Great, more trans-fats and cholesterol!'

'Oh yeah? Well, Dr. Rose predicts that my inevitable stress-induced massive coronary will strike in half the time as yours.'

My exercise routine is to change channels every time there's an ad about junk food.

'Geeez! One day, we'll all get killed by that unhealthy stuff!'

"Tomorrow night let's switch back to gin."

'They're using honey to draw us out! Fortunately, they underestimate our willpower.'

'It's supposed to be FIVE portions a day.'

'Make it a double and make it neat: I'm trying to cut back on flouride.'

"Let's face it: Life can be life threatening."

'You're in bad shape...except for your jaws.'

"Have you tried taking viagra Mr. Floppalottalus?"

The Un-healthy Supermarket

Warning: Quitting smoking will greatly reduce your chances of getting a piece of the settlement pie.

Hole-istic Healing.

'I told him I couldn't keep him any longer and he lectured me on how to run my financial affairs!'