Ironic Health Adviser Gifts

"Give it to me straight, Doc. How long do I have to ignore your advice."

'Let's keep this simple - what part of you doesn't hurt?'

"My blood type...it's the type that doesn't like to exercise."

'According to Dr Alvin McDowell, everything that was good for you is now bad for you!'

"My doctor told me to get outdoors more, so now I put on more yard sales."

'You are talking about health? Ha! My cig does not have calories, fat, cholesterol, carbohydrates and sugar!'

'But I feel quite healthy.'

"I'm recommending a more balanced diet."

'OK, that's two triple bacon double cheese burgers with extra mayo. Would you like a will with that?'

I'll sleep better if I only drink one cup of coffee a day.

'My doctor has been dropping subtle hints for me to loose weight.'

'You're fat. I'm putting you on a diet.'

"Stop watching ladies beach volleyball for a while."

"My doctor said I needed to go on a diet. . . Yes, to a new doctor!"

"You're my second opinion. . . my wife was my first."

"You're retaining water. Stop eating sponge cake."

"Don't eat so fast"

My exercise routine is to change channels every time there's an ad about junk food.

'Great, more trans-fats and cholesterol!'

'Oh yeah? Well, Dr. Rose predicts that my inevitable stress-induced massive coronary will strike in half the time as yours.'

'Geeez! One day, we'll all get killed by that unhealthy stuff!'

'They're using honey to draw us out! Fortunately, they underestimate our willpower.'

"Tomorrow night let's switch back to gin."

"Let's face it: Life can be life threatening."

'Make it a double and make it neat: I'm trying to cut back on flouride.'

'You're in bad shape...except for your jaws.'

Warning: Quitting smoking will greatly reduce your chances of getting a piece of the settlement pie.

The Un-healthy Supermarket

'I want you to lay off pork. In fact, I wish everyone would lay off pork.'

'I told him I couldn't keep him any longer and he lectured me on how to run my financial affairs!'