Health Irony Expert Gifts

'My doctor has been dropping subtle hints for me to loose weight.'

Back in a snap (chiropractor).

'You are talking about health? Ha! My cig does not have calories, fat, cholesterol, carbohydrates and sugar!'

'But I feel quite healthy.'

"Congratulations, gentlemen - we have achieved failure."

"My Dad has just come out of hospital."

'The good news is that you'll be able to continue working and pay my bill.'

'OK, that's two triple bacon double cheese burgers with extra mayo. Would you like a will with that?'

"I missed my last appointment, because I was feeling poorly."

'They don't have any side effects, nor any other effect whatsoever!'

Universal Soldier/ Local Anaesthetic

'Let's keep this simple - what part of you doesn't hurt?'

'Great, more trans-fats and cholesterol!'

"I had trouble opening the child-proof cap."

My exercise routine is to change channels every time there's an ad about junk food.

'Oh yeah? Well, Dr. Rose predicts that my inevitable stress-induced massive coronary will strike in half the time as yours.'

'Geeez! One day, we'll all get killed by that unhealthy stuff!'

'They're using honey to draw us out! Fortunately, they underestimate our willpower.'

"This is Dr. Frogwart, he'll be advising you ironically about your need to lose weight."

'Make it a double and make it neat: I'm trying to cut back on flouride.'

"Let's face it: Life can be life threatening."

"… All the lab work confirms it — I’m sorry, Mr. Franklin … You’re old."

"Good news! Your health care provider has agreed to pay for that tongue depressor I used on you. However, you will have to pay for everything else."

"Give it to me straight, Doc. How long do I have to ignore your advice."

'You're in bad shape...except for your jaws.'

Man sits outside an STD clinic thinking of the twelve days of Christmas.

I need some medication for an infection I'm going to get next Friday!'

'I really hate going to hospital.' 'I know. It's unfortunate you're a neurosurgeon.'

"The doctor will see you sometime before 9 a.m. and 4."

"Mind if I smoke?"

'The doctor said I've got to take a pill every day for the rest of my life. But he only gave me 5!'

Warning: Quitting smoking will greatly reduce your chances of getting a piece of the settlement pie.

"I gave up red meat, but replaced it with extra caffeine and Gluten."

"They don't get it when I wag my tail ironically."

'Cocaine? Thank God - I thought you were doing salt.'