Health Irony Explorer Gifts

"A life sentence isn't so bad. With good behavior, a poor diet, smoking and lack of exercise, you'll be out in no time."

Back in a snap (chiropractor).

'You are talking about health? Ha! My cig does not have calories, fat, cholesterol, carbohydrates and sugar!'

'But I feel quite healthy.'

"My Dad has just come out of hospital."

'The good news is that you'll be able to continue working and pay my bill.'

'OK, that's two triple bacon double cheese burgers with extra mayo. Would you like a will with that?'

"I missed my last appointment, because I was feeling poorly."

'They don't have any side effects, nor any other effect whatsoever!'

'My doctor has been dropping subtle hints for me to loose weight.'

'Let's keep this simple - what part of you doesn't hurt?'

'Oh yeah? Well, Dr. Rose predicts that my inevitable stress-induced massive coronary will strike in half the time as yours.'

"I had trouble opening the child-proof cap."

"It's your work. Are you still sick or what?"

My exercise routine is to change channels every time there's an ad about junk food.

'They're using honey to draw us out! Fortunately, they underestimate our willpower.'

Where am I? Hospital. Saint Snickers. Hospital? Why? You got so mad at huge oil company profits that you passed out. Saint Snickers?! Corporate sponsor. Doctor says no yelling.

'Make it a double and make it neat: I'm trying to cut back on flouride.'

"Let's face it: Life can be life threatening."

"Good news! Your health care provider has agreed to pay for that tongue depressor I used on you. However, you will have to pay for everything else."

"… All the lab work confirms it — I’m sorry, Mr. Franklin … You’re old."

"Give it to me straight, Doc. How long do I have to ignore your advice."

'You're in bad shape...except for your jaws.'

Man sits outside an STD clinic thinking of the twelve days of Christmas.

'I really hate going to hospital.' 'I know. It's unfortunate you're a neurosurgeon.'

I need some medication for an infection I'm going to get next Friday!'

"My office door is always open; however, I'm rarely there."

"The doctor will see you sometime before 9 a.m. and 4."

Warning: Quitting smoking will greatly reduce your chances of getting a piece of the settlement pie.

"Mind if I smoke?"

'Thanks for suggesting that Web-based bank. Now instead of waiting on line, I get to wait online.'

'The doctor said I've got to take a pill every day for the rest of my life. But he only gave me 5!'

The Un-healthy Supermarket

'Cocaine? Thank God - I thought you were doing salt.'

"I gave up red meat, but replaced it with extra caffeine and Gluten."