Health Irony Appreciator Gifts

'I feel a bit constipated.' - 'The chemist will be closed by now. What shall I do?' - 'Sundae spoon!' - 'Stay away from me!'

'According to the weight chart, if you were a condor, you'd have a wingspan of 97 feet.'

Turn your head and laugh.

Back in a snap (chiropractor).

"The answer isn't more troops—what you need is an antibiotic."

'But I feel quite healthy.'

'Are you sure sitting on a bean bag chair isn't considered getting a daily requirement of vegetables?'

'OK, that's two triple bacon double cheese burgers with extra mayo. Would you like a will with that?'

'It hurts when I cackle!'

'Looks to me as though you have an overactive thyroid!'

'My doctor has been dropping subtle hints for me to loose weight.'

'They don't have any side effects, nor any other effect whatsoever!'

'That's St Joseph. He's the patron saint of baby aspirin.'

"It never ceases to amaze me what little brains people have."

Nightmares donuts have.

My exercise routine is to change channels every time there's an ad about junk food.

"Would a test have told us if my goldfish had coronavirus?"

'A credit card company has told us not to bother to apply. We're pre-disapproved.'

'Oh yeah? Well, Dr. Rose predicts that my inevitable stress-induced massive coronary will strike in half the time as yours.'

'Reminds me, my urologist said there's something wrong with my plumbing.'

'They're using honey to draw us out! Fortunately, they underestimate our willpower.'

Where am I? Hospital. Saint Snickers. Hospital? Why? You got so mad at huge oil company profits that you passed out. Saint Snickers?! Corporate sponsor. Doctor says no yelling.

"We realize you do better on your I.Q. tests than you do on anything else, but you just cannot major in I.Q."

"Let's face it: Life can be life threatening."

"Yoga for hangovers"

"… All the lab work confirms it — I’m sorry, Mr. Franklin … You’re old."

'Make it a double and make it neat: I'm trying to cut back on flouride.'

'You're in bad shape...except for your jaws.'

Man sits outside an STD clinic thinking of the twelve days of Christmas.

I need some medication for an infection I'm going to get next Friday!'

'I really hate going to hospital.' 'I know. It's unfortunate you're a neurosurgeon.'

"The doctor will see you sometime before 9 a.m. and 4."

"One day son all this will be yours."

"Mind if I smoke?"

"I gave up red meat, but replaced it with extra caffeine and Gluten."