Health Irony Seeker Gifts

"I gave up red meat, but replaced it with extra caffeine and Gluten."

"I'm putting you on a beef diet. Nothing beef for breakfast, nothing beef for lunch, nothing beef for tea, nothing beef for..."

How To Make A Pigs Ear Out Of Swine Flu.

Back in a snap (chiropractor).

'But I feel quite healthy.'

'Well, we've probed and diagnosed you thoroughly and still have found nothing. Now Dr. Thompson here would like you to lie down in his office for a special 'hypochondria scan.''

'OK, that's two triple bacon double cheese burgers with extra mayo. Would you like a will with that?'

'My doctor has been dropping subtle hints for me to loose weight.'

You've probably heard of "White Coat Syndrome," the phenomenon in which patients exhibit a high blood pressure level in a clinical setting, even though they don't in other settings. Well, you won't get away with that here.

'Let's keep this simple - what part of you doesn't hurt?'

"Every time I go on a diet, he brings up the land of milk and honey."

My exercise routine is to change channels every time there's an ad about junk food.

'Oh yeah? Well, Dr. Rose predicts that my inevitable stress-induced massive coronary will strike in half the time as yours.'

"I had trouble opening the child-proof cap."

Woman visits a dietitian and comes out a skeleton.

"It's your work. Are you still sick or what?"

'Geeez! One day, we'll all get killed by that unhealthy stuff!'

'They're using honey to draw us out! Fortunately, they underestimate our willpower.'

Where am I? Hospital. Saint Snickers. Hospital? Why? You got so mad at huge oil company profits that you passed out. Saint Snickers?! Corporate sponsor. Doctor says no yelling.

'I'm afraid you failed your stress test.', 'AAAARGH!'

'They're out best selling scales. Guaranteed to be at least 20 Ibs out!'

'Make it a double and make it neat: I'm trying to cut back on flouride.'

"Let's face it: Life can be life threatening."

"Give it to me straight, Doc. How long do I have to ignore your advice."

'You're in bad shape...except for your jaws.'

I need some medication for an infection I'm going to get next Friday!'

Man sits outside an STD clinic thinking of the twelve days of Christmas.

Hole-istic Healing.

"Mind if I smoke?"

Warning: Quitting smoking will greatly reduce your chances of getting a piece of the settlement pie.

"Everyone dismisses me as just a flu bug. But I know in my heart I'm so much more than that."

'Cocaine? Thank God - I thought you were doing salt.'

The Un-healthy Supermarket

"A life sentence isn't so bad. With good behavior, a poor diet, smoking and lack of exercise, you'll be out in no time."

'You need more cholesterol. The oat bran level in your body is too high.'