Ironic Health Advisor Gifts

'You are talking about health? Ha! My cig does not have calories, fat, cholesterol, carbohydrates and sugar!'

"My doctor told me to get outdoors more, so now I put on more yard sales."

'The items with the little hearts will clog your arteries the fastest.'

'But I feel quite healthy.'

'OK, that's two triple bacon double cheese burgers with extra mayo. Would you like a will with that?'

I'll sleep better if I only drink one cup of coffee a day.

"Hold on! A new study says those are actually bad for you."

"Stop watching ladies beach volleyball for a while."

'My doctor has been dropping subtle hints for me to loose weight.'

'You're fat. I'm putting you on a diet.'

'Let's keep this simple - what part of you doesn't hurt?'

"You're retaining water. Stop eating sponge cake."

'Great, more trans-fats and cholesterol!'

'Oh yeah? Well, Dr. Rose predicts that my inevitable stress-induced massive coronary will strike in half the time as yours.'

My exercise routine is to change channels every time there's an ad about junk food.

'Geeez! One day, we'll all get killed by that unhealthy stuff!'

"Tomorrow night let's switch back to gin."

'They're using honey to draw us out! Fortunately, they underestimate our willpower.'

"Let's face it: Life can be life threatening."

'Make it a double and make it neat: I'm trying to cut back on flouride.'

"Give it to me straight, Doc. How long do I have to ignore your advice."

'You're in bad shape...except for your jaws.'

"I gave up red meat, but replaced it with extra caffeine and Gluten."

Warning: Quitting smoking will greatly reduce your chances of getting a piece of the settlement pie.

'I told him I couldn't keep him any longer and he lectured me on how to run my financial affairs!'

'I want you to lay off pork. In fact, I wish everyone would lay off pork.'

The Un-healthy Supermarket

"I'm gonna smoke 20 years worth of cigarettes in one go to save time..."

"A life sentence isn't so bad. With good behavior, a poor diet, smoking and lack of exercise, you'll be out in no time."

'Try this diet and if it works, I'll try it!'

'You need more cholesterol. The oat bran level in your body is too high.'