Ironic Health Advisor Prints

'You are talking about health? Ha! My cig does not have calories, fat, cholesterol, carbohydrates and sugar!'

Your problems are all in your head, Al. This time you're wrong, doctor. I happen to be lying on my keys. The problem is not in my head. It's in my left buttock.

"My doctor told me to get outdoors more, so now I put on more yard sales."

'The items with the little hearts will clog your arteries the fastest.'

'But I feel quite healthy.'

'OK, that's two triple bacon double cheese burgers with extra mayo. Would you like a will with that?'

I'll sleep better if I only drink one cup of coffee a day.

"Hold on! A new study says those are actually bad for you."

"Stop watching ladies beach volleyball for a while."

'You're fat. I'm putting you on a diet.'

'My doctor has been dropping subtle hints for me to loose weight.'

'Let's keep this simple - what part of you doesn't hurt?'

My exercise routine is to change channels every time there's an ad about junk food.

"You're retaining water. Stop eating sponge cake."

'Oh yeah? Well, Dr. Rose predicts that my inevitable stress-induced massive coronary will strike in half the time as yours.'

'Great, more trans-fats and cholesterol!'

'Geeez! One day, we'll all get killed by that unhealthy stuff!'

"Tomorrow night let's switch back to gin."

'They're using honey to draw us out! Fortunately, they underestimate our willpower.'

'Make it a double and make it neat: I'm trying to cut back on flouride.'

"Let's face it: Life can be life threatening."

"Give it to me straight, Doc. How long do I have to ignore your advice."

'You're in bad shape...except for your jaws.'

Warning: Quitting smoking will greatly reduce your chances of getting a piece of the settlement pie.

If your new year's resolution is to lose weight, you should educate yourself on the subject! You can't trust your gut on diet decisions - it has a conflict of interest!

Hole-istic Healing.

"I gave up red meat, but replaced it with extra caffeine and Gluten."

"I'm gonna smoke 20 years worth of cigarettes in one go to save time..."

"Have you tried taking viagra Mr. Floppalottalus?"

'Cocaine? Thank God - I thought you were doing salt.'

The Un-healthy Supermarket

'I want you to lay off pork. In fact, I wish everyone would lay off pork.'

'I told him I couldn't keep him any longer and he lectured me on how to run my financial affairs!'

"A life sentence isn't so bad. With good behavior, a poor diet, smoking and lack of exercise, you'll be out in no time."

'Try this diet and if it works, I'll try it!'