Ironic Health Gurus Pillows

'Great, more trans-fats and cholesterol!'

'No, honestly, it's just diet and exercise.'

"Eat your vegetarian or you'll go extinct!"

'Took calcium supplements for years without paying for them.'

'Because we're still part of society - that's why we have to go organic.'

"What a success! We've sold all our copies. You're a great team! Let's go for beer, pizza and crisps - my treat!"

'You are talking about health? Ha! My cig does not have calories, fat, cholesterol, carbohydrates and sugar!'

"My doctor told me to get outdoors more, so now I put on more yard sales."

'Yes, yes, yes, now seriously, what can we do to improve our health?'

'The items with the little hearts will clog your arteries the fastest.'

"Health advice does change over time, but I doubt if we'll EVER be recommending a diet of pizza and beer."

'Mom, I don't care how high in fiber they are. Broccoli flakes are going to fail as a breakfast cereal.'

"I don't know, doc, I'm just not peeling well!"

'But I feel quite healthy.'

'First they shoot at us, then they try to fly like us, now they want to steal our lunch.'

'Looks like you've got enough fiber in your system.'

'Frankly, the diet I'm putting you on will include things that you probably wouldn't consider 'food' as such.'

'I wonder if we're getting enough fibre?'

'OK, that's two triple bacon double cheese burgers with extra mayo. Would you like a will with that?'

'...and to think, forty years ago I gave up smoking and drinking for this.'

I'll sleep better if I only drink one cup of coffee a day.

'You're fat. I'm putting you on a diet.'

"Stop watching ladies beach volleyball for a while."

'You're getting older... it's a common complaint.'

'My doctor has been dropping subtle hints for me to loose weight.'

'Let's keep this simple - what part of you doesn't hurt?'

'Oh yeah? Well, Dr. Rose predicts that my inevitable stress-induced massive coronary will strike in half the time as yours.'

"You're retaining water. Stop eating sponge cake."

Cod Liver Oil: A group of angry Atlantic Cods have finally found the person who has the remains of their former Livers being sold as a Health product.

Life before fitness trackers.

"Drinking and smoking will certainly help you to get an 'enhanced annuity'. . ."

"My theory is that alcohol and gluten, if taken together, will reduce fat and build muscle."

My exercise routine is to change channels every time there's an ad about junk food.

'Geeez! One day, we'll all get killed by that unhealthy stuff!'

"Tomorrow night let's switch back to gin."