Ironic Gift Hunter Pillows

Grappa Pump

"But he had a mask and I thought he was a burglar."

Introducing... The Everything Else Morning-After Pill!

"Sorry lad, ye can't be having' me pot o' toilet paper."

"'How We Die' - fabulous!"

T-Rex Game of Choice - Ping Pong

'The worst thing about it is I'm claustrophobic.'

"Shouldn't have, you really."

Kid Hints To Santa That He Wants A Bicycle For Christmas

Football heads...

"I've been really craving Italian food for months now. Can you grab me two kilos of rigatoni, three kilos of fettuccini, and a bigger shell? The one I have is feeling a bit too tight lately."

"I'll fill it with Play Doh and no one will ever know the difference."

'My whole life, I've felt like I've been running from something...'

Traffic calming ahead.

"I've never felt this close to anyone before!"

"Yeah, I'm out on bail: The judge laughed when he said I was not a flight risk..."

"... Er, Houston... It would appear that there is life on Mars, after all!"

'I'd be more impressed that you bought me flowers if you didn't take a job as a delivery boy to get the employee discount.'

Survival kit

"I can't afford to feed you."

Lost and Found - 'Nothing yet.' (Zebra has lots its stripes).

"Every Sunday, the same thing: we watch the ducks from Bow Bridge, I think about pushing you in, and then we go to that stupid Mexican place."

Fast Food Menus

The Penultimate Temptation of Christ

Visit Santa today...sponsored by Acme Razor Company

Tinder

'Mom and Dad, like when did you first text that you loved each other?'

'Forget 'forsaking all others', you can have the week off' (housewife to husband).

Evil Pusskins #9

Unsuccessful Christmas novelty items. Blitzen on a Kitten. Angel on a Bagel. Frosty on a coffee. Claus on your Bras.

"Don't you ever miss the hustle and bustle of the old tar pits?"

Tunnel of Dove.

Dogs with alcohol collars.

Daily Meditations for Perpetual Victims

"We still don't have a diagnosis for your rash, so we're going to run some more money on it and see what happens."