Ironic Gift Finder Pillows

"I've never felt this close to anyone before!"

"But he had a mask and I thought he was a burglar."

Introducing... The Everything Else Morning-After Pill!

How Amazon was invented

"Shouldn't have, you really."

'You reek of crackers.'

Kid Hints To Santa That He Wants A Bicycle For Christmas

'Brand X, the wine for those with indiscriminate taste.'

'I'm going to be a little late.'

'I'd be more impressed that you bought me flowers if you didn't take a job as a delivery boy to get the employee discount.'

"I have to cancel our plans. I feel a headache coming on."

"I can't afford to feed you."

Caricatures priced by how much they look like you.

'Forget those itch creams, do what I do, just put your butt down on the carpet and scoot around the room.'

Contended beaver nurses a full stomach having eaten the captains wooden leg.

"Every Sunday, the same thing: we watch the ducks from Bow Bridge, I think about pushing you in, and then we go to that stupid Mexican place."

Fast Food Menus

Frosty decides to have a carrot job

The Penultimate Temptation of Christ

Visit Santa today...sponsored by Acme Razor Company

"Don't you ever miss the hustle and bustle of the old tar pits?"

Tunnel of Dove.

"Tell me... how is it that a simple holiday ribbon and bow can cost $45?"

'Forget 'forsaking all others', you can have the week off' (housewife to husband).

Daily Meditations for Perpetual Victims

"We still don't have a diagnosis for your rash, so we're going to run some more money on it and see what happens."

"I have serious doubts about the theory of evolution."

"Baby's First Book of Retirement Planning...?"

Now in Pumpkin Spice!

"My sick friend owns a second-hand store...got any used get well cards in good condition?"

'And you get this free.'

"Okay, hold really still..."

"Judging by the survival gear, fishing pole and grill, I'm guessing he's an outdoor cat."

'Oh, good - you brought The Broom of Honesty, Dignity and Self Respect.'

'In just three days it's taken two inches off my waistline.'