Ironic Gift Finder Pillows

"I've never felt this close to anyone before!"

"But he had a mask and I thought he was a burglar."

Introducing... The Everything Else Morning-After Pill!

How Amazon was invented

"Shouldn't have, you really."

'You reek of crackers.'

'Brand X, the wine for those with indiscriminate taste.'

Kid Hints To Santa That He Wants A Bicycle For Christmas

'I'm going to be a little late.'

'I'd be more impressed that you bought me flowers if you didn't take a job as a delivery boy to get the employee discount.'

"I have to cancel our plans. I feel a headache coming on."

'Forget those itch creams, do what I do, just put your butt down on the carpet and scoot around the room.'

Caricatures priced by how much they look like you.

"I can't afford to feed you."

Fast Food Menus

The Penultimate Temptation of Christ

Frosty decides to have a carrot job

Contended beaver nurses a full stomach having eaten the captains wooden leg.

"Every Sunday, the same thing: we watch the ducks from Bow Bridge, I think about pushing you in, and then we go to that stupid Mexican place."

Visit Santa today...sponsored by Acme Razor Company

"Don't you ever miss the hustle and bustle of the old tar pits?"

Tunnel of Dove.

'Forget 'forsaking all others', you can have the week off' (housewife to husband).

"Tell me... how is it that a simple holiday ribbon and bow can cost $45?"

Daily Meditations for Perpetual Victims

"We still don't have a diagnosis for your rash, so we're going to run some more money on it and see what happens."

"I have serious doubts about the theory of evolution."

"Okay, hold really still..."

"A birthday gift card? Really?"

"Baby's First Book of Retirement Planning...?"

'Oh, good - you brought The Broom of Honesty, Dignity and Self Respect.'

Now in Pumpkin Spice!

"My sick friend owns a second-hand store...got any used get well cards in good condition?"

"Judging by the survival gear, fishing pole and grill, I'm guessing he's an outdoor cat."

'In just three days it's taken two inches off my waistline.'