Ironic Gentleman Gifts

Gentlemen's graffiti: 'Your Mother is merely an adequate cook.'

"I agree, the place was a tear-down, but I just remembered we were only renting it."

"Look! No hands!"

"But don't let my wacky tie fool you. We actually take business very seriously around here."

'Of course I stretched first. That's how I hurt myself.'

"I've never heard of it, either, but nothing ventured, nothing gained, I always say!"

MUSHROOM MASACRE.

"Eww - that whale's breath smells awful!" "You could use a breath mint yourself, lady!"

"Day 4,261... I don’t know how much longer I can survive. Still no signs of civilization. Food is scarce and I fear the wound on my ankle is infected. Still, all this pales in comparison to the horror of having to be anywhere at any particular time."

Grim Reaper Buying CDs...

"I condensed my painting to the pure essence of the message. What helps me a lot is the fact that I've got nothing to say at all."

'This wine is dreadful - try some.'

Gardening Calendar: January - The Snow will be deep now...get out into the garden...

' It's a bit of an anti climax - I've washed it but I can't go any where ! '

'I'm no expert, but I think we're a little behind when it comes to the latest industry technology.'

'I found the home maintenance manual in the attic. I think it's got mildew.'

'Mom, Dad... we found out that in a previous life, Sheila was a dog and I was a tree. That's why we decided to marry to continue this promising relationship!'

The Hammer

"You are still here."

"Pendleton, as of noon today your services will no longer be required. Meanwhile, keep up the good work."

Public footpath on a desert island.

"The candy on the pillow is a nicety of the house."

'Where Are They Now?'

"I'm thinking of leaving these crowded condos and going to a place that's been deserted for years...the mall."

"All this online learning sort of makes you miss the head lice days, huh?"

Anti-inflammation recipes

"Don't forget to rate us on stable-BnB."

'I'm writing a vegetarian cook book.'

"....And the weatherman said it was going to be a hot one today so take it easy and stay hydrated..."

'You're a good man, Henderson, but you don't have your staff's respect.'

"I'll have dessert first."

A dog dressed as a cowboy leans against a sign that reads "Armed response".

'Eh, love. The one armed bandit at the end of the bar isn't working.'

"It's right here in the brochure: 'Be sure to tip your fishing guide.'"