Introductions Enthusiast Gifts

"Arnold, this is Tina Feldman, backlit."

I hope a starting salary of 80 and a severance of 12 is acceptable....

Welcome to the Team

Do you have any other skills?

'And I see you've listed opposable thumbs as your greatest asset...'

'Don't start timing me yet! This staple won't come out!'

"I'm looking for a 'yes man' who can say 'no' without sounding negative"

'Your resume and interview were so bad, not only did you not get the job, I'm having you arrested as well.'

'I chose my field on what would put the most impressive initials after my name.'

And I like to call this my 'dance of the enhanced PEP at alternative firms'.

"That's nice, but do you have any references other than your Mom?"

"So, you want to work at our firm, Eh?"

"You say you’re currently holding down 3 jobs...very impressive."

Help wanted. Various positions available.

'The position carries no salary, just healthcare coverage.'

"I see you have a lot of experience in re-tail. . ."

'How many words per minute do you type?'

'He will observe your text now...'

"Again, you may exercise your right to remain silent, but it's going to work against you since this is a job interview."

"Tia Carmen, did you ever wish summer was over...so you could be in school?"

"Would you like something you're under qualified for, or something you're overqualified for?"

"I've been reading a book of famous quotations. It's amazing how many are by a famous Greek named Anonymous."

'You don't want the job, do you?'

"And where do you see your mustache in five years?"

'Have you got a resume?'

"Where do you see yourself five lives from now?"

'I see you have extensive experience eating, sleeping, and mating. That puts you two steps ahead of all the college graduates who have applied.'

'Quotes, woof, woof, woof, woof, closed quotes.'

"I enjoyed your resume, young man - especially the hand-written addendum from your mom."

I think you should go after my job!

'Congratulations, you've got the job. Unfortunately though, you'll be constantly late, and we'll fire you in two months.'

Frog Prince thinks: 'A horse, a horse, my kingdom for a horsefly.'

Multi-Species Employment Agency. Did you hire the octopus for that job opening? Yeah, but I did interview other applicants. The frog was a strong candidate ... I'm flexible on location -- I'm an amphibian! The whale seemed to be hiding something. The gap in my resume? Uh ... I was beached for a while. And the pig wasn't smart. I see "USDA Approved" on your resume --- I don't think you understand what that means. The octopus got the job because he was a great multitasker!

Don't use live interviews as rehearsals-practise and prepare.

"You're the type who'll make me prove every claim I make."